Payback's a BITCH

I just have to say that I get this devious, devilish feeling all over when I see something unfortunate happen to someone who has wronged me.  I know I know, you're thinking "Damn Laura, what a horrible thing to say,"  or "God Laura, you're a BITCH." But when someone hurts me so bad and makes me feel so awful and so emotionally down about myself, well, to see something not work out for them, it kinda makes me smile.  It makes me say "Payback's a BITCH!"  

Damn I feel good today!

To Have and To Hold

It's been a week now since I traveled to Spokane for Brianna and Curt's wedding.  And it's been a week now since my brain has taken a trip back in time.  I'm usually living in La La Land, the day dreamer that I am, but for the past week I've been living in a "Nostalgic" moment.  I feel like I've been living in a part of the past, but that is taking place in present day, and time is standing still.  I'm living in this imaginary, nostalgic, fairytale land, and time is standing still while I'm stuck in it.  If someone were to approach me at work, or grocery shopping, or while I was driving in my car they could pull a Natalie Portman from Garden State and say "You're In It."  Cause right now, everyday, I've been "In It."  I've been lost in people from the past.  But here's the catch...not all of the past was that great, and not all of the memories are good ones.  Again, here's the catch...Brett and I have gotten to a place.  We've gotten to a place that feels all too familiar.  It feels like we are friends, really good friends, again.  It feels great!  There was so much hate and resentment (so I felt) towards me when I left him.  I feel like it's taken a long time for him to get past that and to realize why I did what I did.  I don't know, all I can say is that I wish the person I see in him now could be the person I was with back then.

Hmmm, so I really wish I could see my therapist right now cause I just have all of these crazy thoughts and emotions going on right now.  I'm just on emotional overload!  I just need some clarification and direction.  My thoughts are all over the place, and what's worse is that I can't stop thinking about Brett.  I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  I feel like we are back together and we've picked up right where we left off.  He knows me and he gets me, and after a LONG day of work he's like the one person I want to call and shoot the shit with.  I know, that's weird, right??   I  mean, it's crazy, right?  I'm crazy for thinking like this.  I don't know, I've just slipped into this place where I feel like I want him around.  Wow, I think I've gotta stop now cause I'm just confusing myself.

I will end on this though...After almost 4yrs of not being together, I have never been more happy to be around him and spend time w/ him.  We both, as individuals, have come along way...it's exciting and it feels GOOD!

The year in review...

So last night was sort of an INTENSE and EMOTIONAL night.  You see, I had an appt w/ my therapist, only it was the last appt w/ her for who knows how long.  As of today, Oct. 1st, my mental health benefits have changed providers and she doesn't work w/ the new providers, so...to make a long story even longer(ha ha!), I can no longer afford to see her regularly, and I just don't know when I will get to see her again.  It's been a little over a year since I started seeing her too, so she really knows me and we've worked so hard and so well together on a lot of issues in my life.  Oh, not to mention that I was so deeply depressed a year ago when I moved to L.A.  I had my plate full, but full of the wrong things and the wrong people.  I've definitely come a long way in the last year.  I see it, and it makes me HAPPY, it really does!  I mean, I'm in such a better place these days, mentally and emotionally.  I may not have millions of friends out here, but I have a hand full of GREAT and GENUINE friends out here.  They have definitely contributed to my uprising in the last year, and I love them all.  I have a lot to learn and a lot to work on still w/ many relationships and areas of my life, but I'm ready for it.  Now more than ever I am ready for it.  And because of working w/ my therapist I am prepared and ready to conquer so much and move forward w/ so much in life.  I feel that good things are a brewing.  Good things are gonna happen and are going to come my way.  I have no idea what they are or when they will come, but I'm excited!  I feel the wheels turning!!!!  If only they would just start slinging the good things in my direction...ha ha!!  

So although I wanted to start crying my eyes out last night when I said goodbye and walked out of my therapist's office, I didn't.  I felt sad, and I am, but in a way I also felt very happy and very accomplished of the work she and I have done together.  I will be haunted by her voice and visuals of her face when the "RED FLAGS" start to go off.  HA!  I'm laughing out loud right now just thinking about it, but she will be in the back of my brain, helping me through all of my trials and tribulations in the future.  And hopefully some day soon I will get to sit on her couch again.