Can I get what I want???

It's funny but I just had a thought the other day that it seems like whenever I'm close to getting what I want or accomplishing something super BIG and GREAT in my life that I get scared, I freak out (mentally), and I kinda flee the scene. I am somehow afraid of succeeding, yet it's all I crave. I bust my a** and I work so hard on a day to day basis, a month to month basis, and a year to year basis, yet I still stay in the same spot. The same position. The same everything. Nothing is moving forward for me and when I make that extra effort to move things forward I get so scared and freaked out to actually move. To actually climb that ladder. Am I settling for my comfort zone? Am I taking the easy way out? I sure hope not. As far as career is concerned, I sure hope this is not my comfort zone and that I do NOT stay where I am now for the long haul. I desire so much more for myself and of myself. So now tell me why it is that when I get inches close to these desires that it freaks me out. Why am I afraid to have what I want?

This brings me to another thought as far as relationships are concerned. I've been ready to meet a cool, kick a** dude down here in L.A. for awhile now, yet nothing. I'm ready for a relationship and I desire someone around to share all sorts of life experiences with, etc...yet lately, at the same time, I'm sorta freaked out to have someone else in my life. I've been thinking about how I want to move back to Seattle so badly that it freaks me out to actually meet someone down here now. I'm afraid that if I meet someone cool down here who will actually want to hang out, that I then will have to put off any plans or intentions of moving back to the NW. I know this isn't necessarily true, but these are the head games I play w/ myself. It's a trip. Hell, I'm a trip and I somehow can't change my way of thinking. I want a relationship, yet I'm terrified of a relationship. What gives?

Seattle: Part 1

Seattle is a city that holds many memories for me. I don't even know where to begin, other than I spent a lot of time in that city and the surrounding area at the peak of my adolescents. I also spent a lot of time in Seattle w/ my 1st BF, Brett. Again, the peak of my adolescents. The NW is truly where my heart belongs.

Seattle has been haunting me for the past few months. Every one of my friends back in the Pacific NW wants me to move back home for 1 reason or another, and they aren't shy about voicing it either. Lately the new people I seem to meet here in L.A. seem to have some tie to Seattle. They are either from there or moving L.A. to go there. Just the other day at work I was scanning through some clip art DVDs I have at work for Hi-Res photos. All of the cityscape photos were of Seattle. I just thought that was odd, and haunting. It's the winter time and I just wanna get back to my roots and ride. All of my guy friends want me back on the mtn to ride with, and to be honest, I just wanna get back on that mtn and ride with them. So what do I do???

I have this magic #5 in my brain lately. Like, I'll probably hang in L.A. for another 5 years and then head back to the NW. But when I really think about it, in 5 years I'll be 33 or 34 yrs. old, and if I'm moving at that age, well, that only means that I'm most likely gonna be single, still w/out family of my own, and who knows if my career will be stable at that point (considering a move and all). It makes me nervous just thinking about making a BIG move like that at such an important age (we can get into the age thing at another time). So again, what do I do? What if I can't wait 5 years? And honestly, what am I so afraid of here in L.A.? Something's going on...

I'm totally impatient right now which is pretty rare cause I'm usually pretty decent when it comes to being patient, but the city of Seattle is haunting me right now, and everyday I have thoughts about it. I have thoughts about moving. This is awful! If I'm having such strong reoccurring thoughts on a daily basis like this it's only gonna ruin me for the rest of the time that I'm in L.A. (and who knows how long that will be). I think these thoughts are gonna have to stop. I have no choice, right? I wanna have the BEST experiences I can have and the GREATEST experiences that my life has to offer me, no matter where I am at. And there is no rule book to LIFE, so I guess anything goes. So if there comes a time to leave L.A. and head back to Seattle, then so be it. It just sucks right now, cause I want to force that move so BAD right now.

Patience is the word.