It's funny but I just had a thought the other day that it seems like whenever I'm close to getting what I want or accomplishing something super BIG and GREAT in my life that I get scared, I freak out (mentally), and I kinda flee the scene. I am somehow afraid of succeeding, yet it's all I crave. I bust my a** and I work so hard on a day to day basis, a month to month basis, and a year to year basis, yet I still stay in the same spot. The same position. The same everything. Nothing is moving forward for me and when I make that extra effort to move things forward I get so scared and freaked out to actually move. To actually climb that ladder. Am I settling for my comfort zone? Am I taking the easy way out? I sure hope not. As far as career is concerned, I sure hope this is not my comfort zone and that I do NOT stay where I am now for the long haul. I desire so much more for myself and of myself. So now tell me why it is that when I get inches close to these desires that it freaks me out. Why am I afraid to have what I want?
This brings me to another thought as far as relationships are concerned. I've been ready to meet a cool, kick a** dude down here in L.A. for awhile now, yet nothing. I'm ready for a relationship and I desire someone around to share all sorts of life experiences with, etc...yet lately, at the same time, I'm sorta freaked out to have someone else in my life. I've been thinking about how I want to move back to Seattle so badly that it freaks me out to actually meet someone down here now. I'm afraid that if I meet someone cool down here who will actually want to hang out, that I then will have to put off any plans or intentions of moving back to the NW. I know this isn't necessarily true, but these are the head games I play w/ myself. It's a trip. Hell, I'm a trip and I somehow can't change my way of thinking. I want a relationship, yet I'm terrified of a relationship. What gives?
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