Bar Lubitsch

Was hit on by 3 different guys tonight, and all 3 of them just completely BORED me. What's the deal? I had great conversation w/ guy #1, but in the end the chemistry wasn't there and he just seemed to linger. Kind of awkward if you ask me. I was begging my friend to come and pull me away. Guy #2 tried. Yep, that's about it. He tried and I just wasn't having it. I think I just had my mind made up that I wasn't out and about tonight looking for dudes, and so my mind set just wasn't there. I didn't give 2 shits about chatting it up w/ some strange dude, ya know. Now there's guy #3, over confident, BIG ego, loves to talk talk talk about how great he is and all of his accomplishments. Can you guess how this one ended? Yah, again, not interested. Strike 3!

Now here's the thing...all 3 men were absolutely attractive and I even made one girl mad because I was talking to one of the dudes, but really when all is said and done, the chemistry was not there. I was NOT interested and I think it has something to do w/ the fact I don't want anything else tying me to Los Angeles. I'm 1 step away from packing up my apt and my car and driving up the coast til I hit Seattle. I hate to say it, but I'm over most of it down here in L.A. I am here for work, yet my work is the MOST unstable thing in my life. I work so HARD just to have what I have and to live where I live, yet my work is so completely UNSTABLE. It's almost not worth it to put myself through so much stress and emotion just to have the roof I have over my head, or to have the fancy street full of cute shops and restaurants that I live on, or the ocean that is so close. I have to work so hard and such long hours to have these things, that at times it seems rare that I even get to enjoy these things. Make sense?

Work sucks, I want out, and I'm pretty much over trying to meet someone in Los Angeles. Too many EGO's, too much pride, not enough HEART. So I think I've tuned myself out to the men that throw themselves my way. Love life is temporarily on hold. It desperately wants to relocate.

Can I get what I want???

It's funny but I just had a thought the other day that it seems like whenever I'm close to getting what I want or accomplishing something super BIG and GREAT in my life that I get scared, I freak out (mentally), and I kinda flee the scene. I am somehow afraid of succeeding, yet it's all I crave. I bust my a** and I work so hard on a day to day basis, a month to month basis, and a year to year basis, yet I still stay in the same spot. The same position. The same everything. Nothing is moving forward for me and when I make that extra effort to move things forward I get so scared and freaked out to actually move. To actually climb that ladder. Am I settling for my comfort zone? Am I taking the easy way out? I sure hope not. As far as career is concerned, I sure hope this is not my comfort zone and that I do NOT stay where I am now for the long haul. I desire so much more for myself and of myself. So now tell me why it is that when I get inches close to these desires that it freaks me out. Why am I afraid to have what I want?

This brings me to another thought as far as relationships are concerned. I've been ready to meet a cool, kick a** dude down here in L.A. for awhile now, yet nothing. I'm ready for a relationship and I desire someone around to share all sorts of life experiences with, etc...yet lately, at the same time, I'm sorta freaked out to have someone else in my life. I've been thinking about how I want to move back to Seattle so badly that it freaks me out to actually meet someone down here now. I'm afraid that if I meet someone cool down here who will actually want to hang out, that I then will have to put off any plans or intentions of moving back to the NW. I know this isn't necessarily true, but these are the head games I play w/ myself. It's a trip. Hell, I'm a trip and I somehow can't change my way of thinking. I want a relationship, yet I'm terrified of a relationship. What gives?

Seattle: Part 1

Seattle is a city that holds many memories for me. I don't even know where to begin, other than I spent a lot of time in that city and the surrounding area at the peak of my adolescents. I also spent a lot of time in Seattle w/ my 1st BF, Brett. Again, the peak of my adolescents. The NW is truly where my heart belongs.

Seattle has been haunting me for the past few months. Every one of my friends back in the Pacific NW wants me to move back home for 1 reason or another, and they aren't shy about voicing it either. Lately the new people I seem to meet here in L.A. seem to have some tie to Seattle. They are either from there or moving L.A. to go there. Just the other day at work I was scanning through some clip art DVDs I have at work for Hi-Res photos. All of the cityscape photos were of Seattle. I just thought that was odd, and haunting. It's the winter time and I just wanna get back to my roots and ride. All of my guy friends want me back on the mtn to ride with, and to be honest, I just wanna get back on that mtn and ride with them. So what do I do???

I have this magic #5 in my brain lately. Like, I'll probably hang in L.A. for another 5 years and then head back to the NW. But when I really think about it, in 5 years I'll be 33 or 34 yrs. old, and if I'm moving at that age, well, that only means that I'm most likely gonna be single, still w/out family of my own, and who knows if my career will be stable at that point (considering a move and all). It makes me nervous just thinking about making a BIG move like that at such an important age (we can get into the age thing at another time). So again, what do I do? What if I can't wait 5 years? And honestly, what am I so afraid of here in L.A.? Something's going on...

I'm totally impatient right now which is pretty rare cause I'm usually pretty decent when it comes to being patient, but the city of Seattle is haunting me right now, and everyday I have thoughts about it. I have thoughts about moving. This is awful! If I'm having such strong reoccurring thoughts on a daily basis like this it's only gonna ruin me for the rest of the time that I'm in L.A. (and who knows how long that will be). I think these thoughts are gonna have to stop. I have no choice, right? I wanna have the BEST experiences I can have and the GREATEST experiences that my life has to offer me, no matter where I am at. And there is no rule book to LIFE, so I guess anything goes. So if there comes a time to leave L.A. and head back to Seattle, then so be it. It just sucks right now, cause I want to force that move so BAD right now.

Patience is the word.

To All The Men Who Don't Wear Their Wedding Ring:

Listen up guys. If you said the vows, wear the ring.

To all the men who don't wear their wedding ring when out in public...put it on your finger! Too many times do you give off the wrong impression, and you give single women hope.

I hit on a married guy! Something I would never do in a million years. I'd been crushing on "Tri-Guy" from the gym for so long and finally, just finally, I had mustered up the guts to ask him to hang out outside of the gym. He said yes and suggested we exchange #'s. You can only imagine how EXCITED I was. Here comes the kicker: he is married. Now you can only imagine how NOT excited I am. We never hung out. He felt guilty and suggested that we only hang when we see each other at the gym. Okay, that's fine, no biggie, right? But WTF? Why wouldn't he just say from the get go he had a wife? I felt like the BIGGEST jackass, even though I know it had nothing to do w/ me and non of this was my fault. Word to the wise, guys...wear your ring & don't disrespect your wife.

So Annoyed.

I'm so annoyed! I'm not perfect, I'll throw that disclaimer out there right now, because I'm about the BITCH a lil bit about some peeps in my life. I'm annoyed w/ those peeps who talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, but never deliver. They are oh so PREDICTABLE. Sure, there might not be anything wrong w/ being predictable, I mean, for one you already know what you're gonna get w/ that person, but here's the thing... when it's not benefiting you or the other person, well, what's the point? Right? Why make an effort when the person you are dealing w/ has their "blinders" on all of the time and just doesn't give a shit? Again, what's the point? I don't have a lot of close friends out here in L.A., cause well, it's L.A., but some of the ones I do have I am tempted to leave behind. I've been realizing a few things about myself lately, like what I really need in my life, and part of me doesn't think I need these peeps in my life. It might be time to say adios. I'm not one to burn bridges, that's not my thing, but I'm just thinking I need to distance myself. I need some new friends. I need peeps w/ common interests, who have drive, motivation, and ambition. Peeps who care for one another and want to push me to be a better person, etc... I don't need peeps who can't make up their minds, need me to make decisions for them, and are just about indecisive about everything that presents itself to them. I'm not a mom yet, and I don't need to play one to my friends.

Okay, I vented. I released. I let it all out! I sorta feel better, but all in all I think it's time for a few changes in my life.

HIATUS

Okay, so I've been on HIATUS...

All I can say for now is that I moved to a new apartment in Venice 2wks ago (Thank the Lord!). No more crazy, psycho, drunk bitches to deal with. No more 4 a.m. wake up calls by sloppy drunk boys who are strangers in my house, but that my roommates decided to invite over, on weeknights might I add. No more feeling sorry for two girls who have no jobs, who don't look for jobs, who aren't driven, motivated, or wanting to move forward with their lives. No more stressful nights of broken up sleep, or sleeping with ear plugs. I don't have to deal with parking tickets in my own driveway, or a kitchen full of dirty dishes that have been sitting around for 7 days. No more filth and trash. No more stress!!!

Basically I feel like I am on "Cloud 9" by not living in that apartment any longer. Such a weight is lifted! Now I just need to work on de-stressing a few other areas of my life and I think I'll be good to go. I'm in a much better place already...I feel good!

To Live, Date, & Wanna Kill Your Date in L.A.

I hate DB so much!
I have never been so damn passionate about hating someone so much.
I mean, I'm not even one to hate. I was raised as a child no to hate. I was told that you don't hate people, you just dislike what they do. Well, I do still agree and live by that, sorta, but right now, as an adult, I hate DB so much!!! This anger just comes from who knows where & I don't know how to release it or make it go away. I know that I'd like to release it on his face as I'm knocking his lights out, but I'm just not that person. I'm the better person. I'm the one w/ the balls, unlike the male in this situation
.
He has mental problems man, and that's no lie. He treats women like objects, has no respect for anyone but himself, only cares about anything that will benefit him, he's blatantly suggestive w/ complete strangers, preys on the vulnerable and innocent, and then ignores them, calls them the wrong name, and proceeds to play it off as if it's a part of his boyish charm. He's self absorbed and needy, and is the BIGGEST attention whore I've met to date. He's got one too many screws loose. I know this shouldn't concern me, considering that I'm over it and don't talk to him, but I do occasionally run into him...like tonight. So because of the constant running into him, and the now ignoring him cause he's a complete WACKO, well, I am still emotional, but I am keeping my self cool, calm, and collected. Again, (fingers pointing to me) I am the better man.

I tried to ignore him all night & I did a damn good job, that is until he realized he wasn't getting my attention (being the attention whore that he is), and so he approached me and then proceeded to wear me & my friend out w/ his non-stop jabbering about god only knows what. I was totally yawning. Sorry DB, no attention from me...sucka! I was just waiting to see when he was gonna wear himself out. Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock...
And now that I'm home for the evening he's sending me Fbook messages saying that I looked hot tonight, even if I did want to kill him. Yep, that's right, I did look damn good tonight. At least he noticed that.

I'm so over it, yet still angry about it. Can't he just disappear please?
Go away & leave us alone to do our thing w/out you, mkay!