I'm so L.A....ha!

I'm so tired of walking on eggshells around some people who are in my life right now. And I'm not even sure walking on eggshells is what it really is. I'm tired of constantly having to watch my behavior or what I say around certain people in order not to hurt their feelings or piss them off or send them off into one of their famous disappearing acts, AKA a coke frenzy(I'm being serious here). It's like I can only say a few words here or there and then I have to wait for their reaction before I know what direction I can then go w/ the rest of the conversation or something like that. It's really weird and too much work for me. I am who I am and I do damn well whatever I want and if friends in my life can't handle it or don't want to hear it then they should leave. They should quit getting butt hurt and sensi to things that go on in my life and my personal life(things that don't even concern them).

I guess this all stems from Brett telling me "I'm so L.A." last night and then pulling a disappearing act on all of us. WTF? So L.A.? Really dude? Well, it's too bad he's the only one who thinks that(Hell, Brianna thinks I'm so NY, ha!). Umm, he hasn't even been to L.A. so he's got no room to judge, and this is such a waste of my time to go off on him or even think about going off. Bottom line, I am me, and I am HAPPY! You don't like it...LEAVE! Hmmm, so maybe that's it. Maybe it's my happiness that has sent him into a bit of a "hey I'm gonna say hurtful things to you" mode just to get some attention or a reaction(damn you Leo's!). I know that game w/ him all too well. I can see it all the way from L.A., that's how well I know it.

I'm just tired of it, ya know. I thought after the wedding we had started a really good friendship. I just don't know what to think anymore and I don't know if I have the energy for it anymore.

Somebody is thinking of me...

So I kinda had this feeling I might get a phone call or text or something thrown my way from Ken today. In the past I've always been the one to call him and wish him a Happy Holiday, and not just on Christmas, but on every other holiday in the year too...not this year though. I sorta thought about him today, but the thought started and ended right there. I'm over it and I'm moving on and I don't need to be wishing him a Happy anything. He's not even in my thoughts any longer(accept for the thought today).

He keeps sending these texts that are very heartfelt and reminiscent of our past together(probably cause he's alone on Xmas and thinking about me). They are sweet and nice, but they are not what I want to hear. I'm over the past and the time he and I had together. I don't want to even reminisce. There's nothing there, the feelings are gone. The mental pictures are there, but the feelings that should be associated just don't exist any longer.

It sucks to hear him say he always thinks about us and what if...yah, what if? I mean, I use to have those thoughts 24/7 about him and I, but I was forced to knock it off. I wasn't given any choice other than to SNAP out of it and move on. So I did. Guess this is the craziness that life throws at us. This is the twisty, turning, unfair, "why me" type of thing, but...it is what it is.

I just hate that he's still thinking about me and what if. I hate that he still makes jokes about me climbing through the computer to be w/ him. Sure, it was cute when we did the long distance shit, but now it's just not funny. I don't know if he thinks I'm joking or what, but he's not really taking me serious when I tell him I'm over him. Oy! What to do?

So I guess that is my update for you on Ken. I don't want to do this "cycling" thing w/ him, and so I've stopped initiating communication on my end. I'm done. I'm over it.

Merry Christmas...HA!

What am I doing...Part 2

Okay, so let me get you up to date for a moment...

Yes, I was a total freakshow on my last date w/ DB(or so I thought).
Yes, I blew everything out of proportion in my head(go figure).
Yes, he did think I was making a BIG deal out of nothing.
Yes, he gets it that I have morals.
No, I did NOT freak him out.
So far so good...

I didn't get to see him again before I left for Idaho, but we've been chatting and it's all been good. I mean, IM-ing isn't exactly how I'd like to get to know someone, but when I think about it, well, I guess that is what online dating is like, right??? I mean, it's sorta like we are doing some online dating, ha! Again, not really what I expected or how I'd like to get to know someone who lives in my same city, but...for now it works. And now that I am actually 1500 miles away on vacation, well, it's kinda fun!

So yah, so far so good. I'm really excited about DB. He's so cute and funny and kinda all over the place, but I like that. Keeps me on my toes and keeps me awake cause I really never know what he's gonna say or what's gonna happen. Better than being w/ someone so predictable right?? Boring!

So I will admit that I am excited to get back to L.A. and to see him again.
There's alot of excitement and anticipation already building :)

And so this is Christmas...

Let me just say that I always paint a perfect picture in my head of how I want all situations I'm going to be in to go. Yah, nothing ever goes as planned, according to my head.

I flew home to Idaho a few days ago for the holidays. Sure, when I bought my ticket back in early Nov. it seemed like such a great idea. I'd be in town for 2wks and I'd get to hang w/ the CdA kids and the Spokane kids, as well as find some time to "shred the gnar"...oh, and I guess I'm gonna have to spend some time w/ the 'rents too(after all they did help w/ the ticket), and so I was thinking that this would be a pretty awesome 2wks, and a great way to end '08.

On Monday it had been less than 2hrs that I'd been in my mom's presence and I was ready to turn the car around and head back to the airport. Yep, it was that bad. I always think, in my head, that things will be different and that I can be this great daughter that can just open up and surrender to my mom's crazy, annoying, controlling habits...yah, I can't do it. I mean, we just fight and bicker and I am stubborn, so that doesn't help. So needless to say that after being in town for only 36hrs I'd already been online looking at changing my plane ticket to head back to L.A. a few days early.

Now don't get me wrong, I've gotten out of the house a bit in the past 3 days and I've been spending time w/ friends and their families, etc...but every time I walk into my 'rents house or even go on some outing w/ them it's just so unbelievably unbearable!!!! Will this ever change?(Not sure why I ask, cause I know the answer...) If it's not my mom nagging and talking to me in this annoying/whiny shouting voice that's 20db too high, then it's my mom totally being a controlling bitch to my dad (which I hate to witness) and just bossing him and everyone else in the room around. I mean, how does she not get it that that is RUDE? Does she not even realize what she is doing?

I'm gonna get super worked up here in a minute.

She is just so controlling and so rude sometimes. I'm so afraid to bring my friends over or even a boy(in the future) for that matter. I just don't want anyone to meet my 'rents and I feel terrible for saying that. They're just so out there sometimes and I feel like I'm the only one who gets it. No one else would be able to handle it and I wouldn't even want them to try, ya know. I mean, it would be a constant go around of me making excuses for my 'rents behavior or for who they are. I mean, I'm not ashamed of who they are. I do love them and appreciate them for all they are, but I just can't handle them 95% of the time.

So it is Christmas Eve and it doesn't even feel like it. Not just because the economy is so crappy and everyone is holding back a bit on the gift giving and extravagance that usually comes w/ the holidays, but...I don't know, it just doesn't feel like it. I'm stuck at my 'rents w/out any other siblings or family around to help me out or rescue me from the disorderly-ness that is my mom. And most of my friends are all w/ their new families (in-laws) or out of town. I just feel so trapped and like I have no control over the situation, and that freaks me out and gives me HUGE anxiety!

But when I really think about it I almost feel guilty that tomorrow is Christmas and it's suppose to be this great day celebrating the birth of Christ (even though technically he wasn't born in December, but you know what I mean) and more importantly spending time w/ family and loved ones. Yah, I said I feel guilty cause I just don't want to deal w/ my family. I can paint a picture in my head of the perfect day tomorrow and what I wish would happen, but that will be so far off from reality. I'd rather be snowboarding tomorrow morning, how's that? Is that bad?

Well, I just know that next year I will not be home for Christmas. I want to spend time in my new city and see how L.A. does the holidays. I'm ready to not come home for once. Maybe even hit up another city, who knows. I just really know that I'm done w/ coming home for awhile, and if I do come home I've got to do a bit more strategic planning (must rent car, must stay w/ friends, must spend lil time w/ 'rents)... I'm just ready to NOT witness my mom nagging me or my dad, or freaking out about every lil thing that is put in front of her face. I can't even give examples cause everything sets her off.

My therapist gave me a few exercises last Christmas to practice for when I'm around my mom, but those were thrown out the window, last Christmas. There's NO hope for practicing any type of exercise around my mom. It's all HOPELESS! I'm just beginning to accept that she will never change and she is who she is. She is not the mom I need her to be for me. With that said, I seek the "mom qualities/characteristics" I need from other people in my life, which works for me. NO complaints here. It just sucks that I have to seek out what I really need in my mom from someone else. But like I've said, I'm beginning to accept the fact my mom won't change, and w/ that said, I sure as hell hope I don't turn into my mother. HA!


Merry Christmas
Wish me luck!

What am I doing...Part 1

So I think it's official that I DON'T know what I am doing.
I'm a total freakshow and I don't know how to turn it off.

I've seen this boy now a few times, and it's been great! It's been really great and I'm so happy right now.
I don't know if it's the boy or what it is, but I'm so happy. I've smiled way more in the past week than I have this entire year. I've never been so deeply lost in la la land and in my daydreams than I am right now. I've also never put this much pressure on myself to be so good. Yep, that's right, I'm being really good w/ this one and it's freaking me out. More importantly I think it's freaking him out or at least I think I freaked him out tonight.

I have issues w/ pushing the boundaries too soon, and for me that totally makes me feel uncomfortable, ya know. I just feel that anytime I'm hanging out w/ a dude that there is some sort of pressure. I hate that feeling!!! It sucks cause it ruins so much. Anyways, I just didn't want to feel the pressure tonight (which was probably all in my head, but still...), and so I kinda freaked out and ruined things and I just got super uncomfortable, as we were making out, and then next thing I knew I was putting on my shoes and walking across the street to my car. Oh yah, what I thought was an awkward goodbye too. I know it's probably all in my head, but I can't deny my feelings or my instinct/gut feeling that is. I just feel like a complete FREAK right now! No man will truly understand why I am the way I am and why I choose to move so damn slow. Looks like "lil Laura" is gonna be SINGLE for the rest of her days. Oh well though, right??? I mean seriously, I'd rather be alone than w/ someone who doesn't get it, or someone who can't respect me in the end...it's lonely being alone :(

I just was thinking that I really liked getting to know this boy, and I think he gets it and understands why I am such a snail, but I don't know. I'd rather have someone admit they can't handle it and leave than me have them just go along and pretend they get it, and then I feel the pressure. I mean, don't lie, admit you can't handle it if you can't handle it...wow, I'm so frustrated right now!!!! I totally want to ball my eyes out cause I don't ever know how I'm gonna continue to handle this in the future w/ other men that come into my life. I'm a total FREAKSHOW!!!!!

I want so badly to email or call him right now (even though it's late) and to explain my freakishness. Not sure what good that will do, cause I can only predict that he would say something like he doesn't know what I'm talking about and that I'm making a BIG deal out of nothing. Yes, this may be true, but it's a BIG deal to me. Guess I kinda liked this one...so far so good. I just wanted to do things right, ya know. I just wanted this to be good. Oh well, only time will tell, right?

I leave on Sunday, in 3.5 days, for Idaho for the holidays, so who knows if I'll even see him before then. My guess, after tonight is NO. I mean, I'd love to see him, but I don't know if I ruined it for him or what, so...like I just said, only time will tell.

Wow, I am really bummed :(

Perma-Grin

Okay, I'm just gonna throw it out there...

I met a boy!
And he gives me perma-grin!
It's only been a few days, but it's been good, and I am a total "FREAKSHOW!"
But the funny thing is, he is too.


I'm sure there will be more to come...

My own darkness has created it for others...

Not sure where to begin, other than I totally crushed one of my best friends feelings recently and I didn't even realize I was doing it. I kinda fell into a 2wk slump after my recent show was cancelled. I went into this "freak out about my life" mode and even fell into a bit of a short term depression. Yah, I get moody I guess. So within all of that I completely isolated myself. It's just what I do. It's sort of my fight or flight response, only it's isolation from everyone and everything. To be honest, it's not fun and not what I'd like to think I'm capable of, but it's kinda all I know when I feel a certain way.

My best bud in LA, Katie, has only been the most supportive and comforting person for me through all of this industry bullshit/drama and even the personal chaos that is my life, and I completely shut her out. I mean, there was just nothing she could do for me (at least that is how I felt). There was nothing anyone could do for me cause I was in a mood and I was the only one who could get me through it or to snap out of it.

Make sense?

She tries so hard w/ all of us kids down here in LA and even w/ her own family, and believe me it does not go unnoticed. She's such a caring and compassionate soul and is always trying to find a solution. She truly is a REAL friend. She's GREAT! She's Momma Katie! But I was the asshole who shut her out.

I just had to write and say that in the midst of my crazy headtrip/short term depression/isolation that I put myself through recently, well, I ended up hurting someone close to me, and for that I am truly sorry.

Love ya Momma Katie!
(I publicly give you permission to kick me in the groin w/ steel toes or hit me w/ your car while im riding my cruiser next time I try to isolate)

LATE, but not breaking news

Alright, I did some research last week. I was so determined to find gym boy since he completely fell of the face of the EARTH. I know, kinda sounds a bit nuts, but I just had this feeling about him. Well, turns out a friend of mine has a friend who knows him. (Yah, Playa Del Rey is a small circle of people, go figure.) So she actually was the one who did some research and we found out that he is in a relationship...bummer! Yah, I'll be honest, I was bummed when I found out. Really, I was bummed!

On to the next one, right?