And so this is Christmas...

Let me just say that I always paint a perfect picture in my head of how I want all situations I'm going to be in to go. Yah, nothing ever goes as planned, according to my head.

I flew home to Idaho a few days ago for the holidays. Sure, when I bought my ticket back in early Nov. it seemed like such a great idea. I'd be in town for 2wks and I'd get to hang w/ the CdA kids and the Spokane kids, as well as find some time to "shred the gnar"...oh, and I guess I'm gonna have to spend some time w/ the 'rents too(after all they did help w/ the ticket), and so I was thinking that this would be a pretty awesome 2wks, and a great way to end '08.

On Monday it had been less than 2hrs that I'd been in my mom's presence and I was ready to turn the car around and head back to the airport. Yep, it was that bad. I always think, in my head, that things will be different and that I can be this great daughter that can just open up and surrender to my mom's crazy, annoying, controlling habits...yah, I can't do it. I mean, we just fight and bicker and I am stubborn, so that doesn't help. So needless to say that after being in town for only 36hrs I'd already been online looking at changing my plane ticket to head back to L.A. a few days early.

Now don't get me wrong, I've gotten out of the house a bit in the past 3 days and I've been spending time w/ friends and their families, etc...but every time I walk into my 'rents house or even go on some outing w/ them it's just so unbelievably unbearable!!!! Will this ever change?(Not sure why I ask, cause I know the answer...) If it's not my mom nagging and talking to me in this annoying/whiny shouting voice that's 20db too high, then it's my mom totally being a controlling bitch to my dad (which I hate to witness) and just bossing him and everyone else in the room around. I mean, how does she not get it that that is RUDE? Does she not even realize what she is doing?

I'm gonna get super worked up here in a minute.

She is just so controlling and so rude sometimes. I'm so afraid to bring my friends over or even a boy(in the future) for that matter. I just don't want anyone to meet my 'rents and I feel terrible for saying that. They're just so out there sometimes and I feel like I'm the only one who gets it. No one else would be able to handle it and I wouldn't even want them to try, ya know. I mean, it would be a constant go around of me making excuses for my 'rents behavior or for who they are. I mean, I'm not ashamed of who they are. I do love them and appreciate them for all they are, but I just can't handle them 95% of the time.

So it is Christmas Eve and it doesn't even feel like it. Not just because the economy is so crappy and everyone is holding back a bit on the gift giving and extravagance that usually comes w/ the holidays, but...I don't know, it just doesn't feel like it. I'm stuck at my 'rents w/out any other siblings or family around to help me out or rescue me from the disorderly-ness that is my mom. And most of my friends are all w/ their new families (in-laws) or out of town. I just feel so trapped and like I have no control over the situation, and that freaks me out and gives me HUGE anxiety!

But when I really think about it I almost feel guilty that tomorrow is Christmas and it's suppose to be this great day celebrating the birth of Christ (even though technically he wasn't born in December, but you know what I mean) and more importantly spending time w/ family and loved ones. Yah, I said I feel guilty cause I just don't want to deal w/ my family. I can paint a picture in my head of the perfect day tomorrow and what I wish would happen, but that will be so far off from reality. I'd rather be snowboarding tomorrow morning, how's that? Is that bad?

Well, I just know that next year I will not be home for Christmas. I want to spend time in my new city and see how L.A. does the holidays. I'm ready to not come home for once. Maybe even hit up another city, who knows. I just really know that I'm done w/ coming home for awhile, and if I do come home I've got to do a bit more strategic planning (must rent car, must stay w/ friends, must spend lil time w/ 'rents)... I'm just ready to NOT witness my mom nagging me or my dad, or freaking out about every lil thing that is put in front of her face. I can't even give examples cause everything sets her off.

My therapist gave me a few exercises last Christmas to practice for when I'm around my mom, but those were thrown out the window, last Christmas. There's NO hope for practicing any type of exercise around my mom. It's all HOPELESS! I'm just beginning to accept that she will never change and she is who she is. She is not the mom I need her to be for me. With that said, I seek the "mom qualities/characteristics" I need from other people in my life, which works for me. NO complaints here. It just sucks that I have to seek out what I really need in my mom from someone else. But like I've said, I'm beginning to accept the fact my mom won't change, and w/ that said, I sure as hell hope I don't turn into my mother. HA!


Merry Christmas
Wish me luck!