What am I doing...Part 1

So I think it's official that I DON'T know what I am doing.
I'm a total freakshow and I don't know how to turn it off.

I've seen this boy now a few times, and it's been great! It's been really great and I'm so happy right now.
I don't know if it's the boy or what it is, but I'm so happy. I've smiled way more in the past week than I have this entire year. I've never been so deeply lost in la la land and in my daydreams than I am right now. I've also never put this much pressure on myself to be so good. Yep, that's right, I'm being really good w/ this one and it's freaking me out. More importantly I think it's freaking him out or at least I think I freaked him out tonight.

I have issues w/ pushing the boundaries too soon, and for me that totally makes me feel uncomfortable, ya know. I just feel that anytime I'm hanging out w/ a dude that there is some sort of pressure. I hate that feeling!!! It sucks cause it ruins so much. Anyways, I just didn't want to feel the pressure tonight (which was probably all in my head, but still...), and so I kinda freaked out and ruined things and I just got super uncomfortable, as we were making out, and then next thing I knew I was putting on my shoes and walking across the street to my car. Oh yah, what I thought was an awkward goodbye too. I know it's probably all in my head, but I can't deny my feelings or my instinct/gut feeling that is. I just feel like a complete FREAK right now! No man will truly understand why I am the way I am and why I choose to move so damn slow. Looks like "lil Laura" is gonna be SINGLE for the rest of her days. Oh well though, right??? I mean seriously, I'd rather be alone than w/ someone who doesn't get it, or someone who can't respect me in the end...it's lonely being alone :(

I just was thinking that I really liked getting to know this boy, and I think he gets it and understands why I am such a snail, but I don't know. I'd rather have someone admit they can't handle it and leave than me have them just go along and pretend they get it, and then I feel the pressure. I mean, don't lie, admit you can't handle it if you can't handle it...wow, I'm so frustrated right now!!!! I totally want to ball my eyes out cause I don't ever know how I'm gonna continue to handle this in the future w/ other men that come into my life. I'm a total FREAKSHOW!!!!!

I want so badly to email or call him right now (even though it's late) and to explain my freakishness. Not sure what good that will do, cause I can only predict that he would say something like he doesn't know what I'm talking about and that I'm making a BIG deal out of nothing. Yes, this may be true, but it's a BIG deal to me. Guess I kinda liked this one...so far so good. I just wanted to do things right, ya know. I just wanted this to be good. Oh well, only time will tell, right?

I leave on Sunday, in 3.5 days, for Idaho for the holidays, so who knows if I'll even see him before then. My guess, after tonight is NO. I mean, I'd love to see him, but I don't know if I ruined it for him or what, so...like I just said, only time will tell.

Wow, I am really bummed :(