We all do it. We jump to conclusions, and we definitely jump to conclusions and assumptions when it comes to the opposite sex. Why? Why do we do this all the time? Why can't we just ask? Why can't we just be open and honest and ask questions?
So a few of my friends and others included are having some major boy drama(s) these days. It makes me crazy altogether just to hear about their shit. I mean, from an outsider's p.o.v. it's just way too simple, ya know. But when you're actually the one in the relationship, well, there is just much more to it (believe me, I get it). I've been victim to it all as well, so...as women we are just so quick to jump to conclusion. We get irrational and we make up crazy stuff in our heads. We make excuses for the male species and it's really fucking ridiculous. Oh the things we do for love. Or is it lust? Whatever it is it can't really be that worth it in the end can it? I mean, the stress, the confusion, the let downs, the crying, the fights, the bullshit...I mean, is it really worth it? We all deserve so much more, right? When is enough enough?
If you like someone, tell them. If you wanna be w/ someone, let them know. If you wanna keep things casual, again, let it be known. All in all, communicate. Share your feelings and be honest. Neither one of the sexes can read minds (thank god).
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
To Be or Not To Be...Vulnerable
So a few years back, when I was still on the journey to finding out who I am I had been in a relationship or two.
Of those few relationships one thing was common and one thing kept coming up in conversation. Most of the men I dated back then and my old boyfriends all had the complaint that I never told them how I felt. They all couldn't handle it that I couldn't express my feelings for them or my feelings in general. There was that time when I just couldn't completely open up. I was so vulnerable in every direction and it was the hardest thing ever. It was as if the cat got my tongue. I just couldn't spit out one syllable, let alone one word on how I felt for these men in my life. So I sorta blame that on why most all of these boys left our relationship and went in their own direction.
Cut to a few years down the road, and here I am the most comfortable I've ever been in my own skin. I am so stoked on me and who I am and I just want people to see the real me. So why is it now, that I feel this good about me and I am no longer that "Vulnerable Vixon" that the men still leave. I mean, I have no problem telling family, friends, even boys how I feel these days. Hell, I think it's the most important thing these days to tell the people you love how you feel. It's no longer about vulnerability w/ me anymore, it's just about being myself. So why is it that the boys get scared off when I tell them how I feel. You leave me when I can't open up and you leave me when I do open up. Good Lord, give me a break. What do you boys want?!!!!
Of those few relationships one thing was common and one thing kept coming up in conversation. Most of the men I dated back then and my old boyfriends all had the complaint that I never told them how I felt. They all couldn't handle it that I couldn't express my feelings for them or my feelings in general. There was that time when I just couldn't completely open up. I was so vulnerable in every direction and it was the hardest thing ever. It was as if the cat got my tongue. I just couldn't spit out one syllable, let alone one word on how I felt for these men in my life. So I sorta blame that on why most all of these boys left our relationship and went in their own direction.
Cut to a few years down the road, and here I am the most comfortable I've ever been in my own skin. I am so stoked on me and who I am and I just want people to see the real me. So why is it now, that I feel this good about me and I am no longer that "Vulnerable Vixon" that the men still leave. I mean, I have no problem telling family, friends, even boys how I feel these days. Hell, I think it's the most important thing these days to tell the people you love how you feel. It's no longer about vulnerability w/ me anymore, it's just about being myself. So why is it that the boys get scared off when I tell them how I feel. You leave me when I can't open up and you leave me when I do open up. Good Lord, give me a break. What do you boys want?!!!!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
A write of passage...
Can I just say that I haven't had a journal for the past few weeks. Yep, that's right, I filled up the old book and haven't bought a new one yet. I can't believe I haven't been fiending to write. I mean, I have been, but apparently not as bad as I thought cause I haven't even put a journal on my "to do" list yet...HA! So yah, I really need to get crackin' on this one, cause I have so many built up and caged emotions and thoughts (too many to post on Facebook and Twitter, if you know what I mean).
With that said, I went to a show tonight. My friend manages Lucy Walsh (singer/song writer, oh and Joe Walsh's daughter) and so we went to see her play. A bit rough around the edges but to be honest, I liked her songs. Well, I liked the lyrics and the emotions behind it all. That Lucy and I are definitely on the same page. She writes about her life, she writes about love, she writes about boys, she writes about feelings and emotions. I feel she writes the way I would as well. She sings her songs the way I would write in my journal, or something close to that. Although her set wasn't the greatest, well, her songs made me smile and they made me happy cause I could totally relate. I love that shit!
So now I'm being all sappy and girly and wishing I had a boy to crush on or even a boy to be bent about, ya know. I don't really have anyone right now. No one to be sad and depressed about and no one to be excited and giddy about, so...there's pros and cons to both of those, go figure. But I do feel a bit of a sap right now, and I think I'm gonna go to bed.
With that said, I went to a show tonight. My friend manages Lucy Walsh (singer/song writer, oh and Joe Walsh's daughter) and so we went to see her play. A bit rough around the edges but to be honest, I liked her songs. Well, I liked the lyrics and the emotions behind it all. That Lucy and I are definitely on the same page. She writes about her life, she writes about love, she writes about boys, she writes about feelings and emotions. I feel she writes the way I would as well. She sings her songs the way I would write in my journal, or something close to that. Although her set wasn't the greatest, well, her songs made me smile and they made me happy cause I could totally relate. I love that shit!
So now I'm being all sappy and girly and wishing I had a boy to crush on or even a boy to be bent about, ya know. I don't really have anyone right now. No one to be sad and depressed about and no one to be excited and giddy about, so...there's pros and cons to both of those, go figure. But I do feel a bit of a sap right now, and I think I'm gonna go to bed.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Calling All Attention Whores!
I'm as confused as all hell right now! (what's new)
D.B. has made an appearance once again. Why? WTF is going ? He chats me up and tells me his stories of his travels out of town. I mean really...really? Am I suppose to care? Am I suppose to be excited? Why is he seeking out this attention? And why from me of all people, the girl he said audios to. I just don't get it.
So what takes the cake (at least in my eyes) is that he got a hold of me the other day and was all weird (like a boy) and reminiscing of times we hung out and made out and all of that kinda stuff. Why dude? Why are you doing that? He kept saying how he liked hanging out w/ me and how we had some really good times. Well, yah, we did have some good times and yes, I will agree that I too liked hanging out w/ him, but he was the one who called it quits. I asked him why he bailed. He said he thought I liked him too much and that freaked him out and so he backed off. Ummm, can you say bullshit?!!!! I mean, the guy told me 6wks ago he was over it cause he was looking to settle down and find a wife, blah, blah, blah, and that basically I wasn't it, blah, blah, blah...so now all of a sudden he misses me and apparently was never on the long awaited wife hunt he claimed??? So what is the deal, I thought he was on a wife hunt and now he's saying that wasn't it, and that he thought I was on the husband hunt, so...he got weird and backed off. Backing off meaning cutting ties. Yah, weird is putting it mildly.
Here's the thing though, I'm the idiot girl who deep down inside likes this crazy attention whore. Although he is the one coming to me and seeking attention, well, I don't mind it cause in a sense I am the one getting attention by him contacting me. Wow, did that all make sense?? Perfect. So yah, I claim to be all strong and independent and not needing useless attention from people who can't give me SHIT, yet I love it when I get attention from those kinds of people. Well, I love it when I get that attention from him. I need to kick myself in the box right now, cause I sound like such and idiot girl!!! I always warn my girlfriends of douches and guys who pull crap like this, and here I am...total sucker for it!!!
So who knows what will come of this...nothing probably. Nothing most likely, who am I kidding. I just can't stop thinking about him though. I can't stop thinking about and wanting this attention whore who won't leave my life yet.
D.B. has made an appearance once again. Why? WTF is going ? He chats me up and tells me his stories of his travels out of town. I mean really...really? Am I suppose to care? Am I suppose to be excited? Why is he seeking out this attention? And why from me of all people, the girl he said audios to. I just don't get it.
So what takes the cake (at least in my eyes) is that he got a hold of me the other day and was all weird (like a boy) and reminiscing of times we hung out and made out and all of that kinda stuff. Why dude? Why are you doing that? He kept saying how he liked hanging out w/ me and how we had some really good times. Well, yah, we did have some good times and yes, I will agree that I too liked hanging out w/ him, but he was the one who called it quits. I asked him why he bailed. He said he thought I liked him too much and that freaked him out and so he backed off. Ummm, can you say bullshit?!!!! I mean, the guy told me 6wks ago he was over it cause he was looking to settle down and find a wife, blah, blah, blah, and that basically I wasn't it, blah, blah, blah...so now all of a sudden he misses me and apparently was never on the long awaited wife hunt he claimed??? So what is the deal, I thought he was on a wife hunt and now he's saying that wasn't it, and that he thought I was on the husband hunt, so...he got weird and backed off. Backing off meaning cutting ties. Yah, weird is putting it mildly.
Here's the thing though, I'm the idiot girl who deep down inside likes this crazy attention whore. Although he is the one coming to me and seeking attention, well, I don't mind it cause in a sense I am the one getting attention by him contacting me. Wow, did that all make sense?? Perfect. So yah, I claim to be all strong and independent and not needing useless attention from people who can't give me SHIT, yet I love it when I get attention from those kinds of people. Well, I love it when I get that attention from him. I need to kick myself in the box right now, cause I sound like such and idiot girl!!! I always warn my girlfriends of douches and guys who pull crap like this, and here I am...total sucker for it!!!
So who knows what will come of this...nothing probably. Nothing most likely, who am I kidding. I just can't stop thinking about him though. I can't stop thinking about and wanting this attention whore who won't leave my life yet.
Here's To Turning 28
I turned 28 on Monday!
Yeah for another year (man I feel old)!!!
I had a great Birthday weekend in Vegas w/ my best friends!
I didn't really care what we did, I just wanted to spend time with them.
It was great! I feel great! I think 28 is gonna be a good year for me.
Hell, I think 2009 is gonna be a good year too, but all in all, I feel really positive about the year, about being 28 yrs. old, and about my future.
Yeah for another year (man I feel old)!!!
I had a great Birthday weekend in Vegas w/ my best friends!
I didn't really care what we did, I just wanted to spend time with them.
It was great! I feel great! I think 28 is gonna be a good year for me.
Hell, I think 2009 is gonna be a good year too, but all in all, I feel really positive about the year, about being 28 yrs. old, and about my future.
Monday, March 2, 2009
And so we meet again...
Okay, so I still don't get what is up w/ D.B.
He doesn't want anything from me, yet he still finds the time to iChat me up. He proceeds to tell me about his snowboarding adventures, as if he needs my approval or something. He comes at me like such an attention whore, yet I don't get why he's doing it. Yes, for attention, but why from me? Why is he wanting attention from me? From a girl he decided he didn't want to date any longer. I've been trying to ignore his lil messages or to just write one word answers and just act nonchalant, as if I don't care. I mean, it just bugs me that he's coming around like this, and for attention of all things. I would appreciate it more if he actually wanted to be w/ me, but...that's not that case now is it.
So the last time I saw D.B. was a lil over a month ago at the Neko Case show at Hotel Cafe. Well, I went to see Bob Mould (guitar player for The Pixies) at Hotel Cafe tonight w/ my friend Allison. Yep, I think you know where this is going. I got jammed up by the bar in a huge group of people, and as I am turning around in the crowd(I was the shortest person there, so I felt like I was being trampled in that crowd too) to see where Allison has gone, well, I turn around right into D.B. Yep, he's there, drink in hand, and a tall blonde in the other. I thought for sure he saw me cause I was right in front of him and I was like a freakin' speed bump at that point cause I was just surrounded by amazons or something. So I found Allison and we B-lined it to another part of the room. I just didn't want to be around him right then and there, especially when he was w/ another girl. And go figure, the last time I was at Hotel Cafe I saw him, and now I'm back again and I see him. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!!!!!!!!
Needless to say I'm the dumb girl who decided to text him a few hours after the show and ask why he didn't come over and say hi. He said he didn't know I was there and that he didn't see me. I didn't respond. I just left it that. I know he saw me, so why is he now playing this stupid game? Sheesh! Furthermore, he's been bugging me for the past few days about where I am moving too. Long story short, he found out I am moving out of my apt, but I never told him where. So now he's just hounding me to find out where. I don't know why he cares. Once I tell him I'm moving to the beach he's just gonna say some asshole comment like, "why"...I just know that is what will come out of his mouth. I don't know why I'm playing this stupid game and not telling him. I just don't feel like giving him the satisfaction of getting his way, of getting what he wants (which is an answer to the question of where I am moving to). I know I'm a dumb girl (again) for playing this stupid game, but whatever...he's dumb for calling it quits, so...Part of me just really wants to say something like, "I'm moving back to Seattle to be w/ my family." I don't know why but I'd love to just tell him something like that and see what he says or does. But then I'd be the dumb and immature girl who is playing tricks...ha ha ha! Then he'd really be done w/ me for sure (oh well though, right? Not like we've got anything going right now).
And for some reason I'm wondering if he's getting it on w/ the blonde chick right now or not. Did she go home w/ him? Or did she take him home? Were they even there on a date? F***!!!!! Why am I even letting these thoughts get to me?
With all of that said...I was just a bit shocked to run into him tonight. It's gonna be like this for a lil while I can tell.
And so we meet again...
He doesn't want anything from me, yet he still finds the time to iChat me up. He proceeds to tell me about his snowboarding adventures, as if he needs my approval or something. He comes at me like such an attention whore, yet I don't get why he's doing it. Yes, for attention, but why from me? Why is he wanting attention from me? From a girl he decided he didn't want to date any longer. I've been trying to ignore his lil messages or to just write one word answers and just act nonchalant, as if I don't care. I mean, it just bugs me that he's coming around like this, and for attention of all things. I would appreciate it more if he actually wanted to be w/ me, but...that's not that case now is it.
So the last time I saw D.B. was a lil over a month ago at the Neko Case show at Hotel Cafe. Well, I went to see Bob Mould (guitar player for The Pixies) at Hotel Cafe tonight w/ my friend Allison. Yep, I think you know where this is going. I got jammed up by the bar in a huge group of people, and as I am turning around in the crowd(I was the shortest person there, so I felt like I was being trampled in that crowd too) to see where Allison has gone, well, I turn around right into D.B. Yep, he's there, drink in hand, and a tall blonde in the other. I thought for sure he saw me cause I was right in front of him and I was like a freakin' speed bump at that point cause I was just surrounded by amazons or something. So I found Allison and we B-lined it to another part of the room. I just didn't want to be around him right then and there, especially when he was w/ another girl. And go figure, the last time I was at Hotel Cafe I saw him, and now I'm back again and I see him. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!!!!!!!!
Needless to say I'm the dumb girl who decided to text him a few hours after the show and ask why he didn't come over and say hi. He said he didn't know I was there and that he didn't see me. I didn't respond. I just left it that. I know he saw me, so why is he now playing this stupid game? Sheesh! Furthermore, he's been bugging me for the past few days about where I am moving too. Long story short, he found out I am moving out of my apt, but I never told him where. So now he's just hounding me to find out where. I don't know why he cares. Once I tell him I'm moving to the beach he's just gonna say some asshole comment like, "why"...I just know that is what will come out of his mouth. I don't know why I'm playing this stupid game and not telling him. I just don't feel like giving him the satisfaction of getting his way, of getting what he wants (which is an answer to the question of where I am moving to). I know I'm a dumb girl (again) for playing this stupid game, but whatever...he's dumb for calling it quits, so...Part of me just really wants to say something like, "I'm moving back to Seattle to be w/ my family." I don't know why but I'd love to just tell him something like that and see what he says or does. But then I'd be the dumb and immature girl who is playing tricks...ha ha ha! Then he'd really be done w/ me for sure (oh well though, right? Not like we've got anything going right now).
And for some reason I'm wondering if he's getting it on w/ the blonde chick right now or not. Did she go home w/ him? Or did she take him home? Were they even there on a date? F***!!!!! Why am I even letting these thoughts get to me?
With all of that said...I was just a bit shocked to run into him tonight. It's gonna be like this for a lil while I can tell.
And so we meet again...
Sunday, March 1, 2009
MOVING on...
So here I am, sitting, waiting, restless...I'm in the middle of moving out of my apartment right now.
I am leaving my 2 roommates for another apartment on the beach, with 2 new roommates.
I'm just a lil frustrated w/ the people of Los Angeles right now. Since I am trying to rent out just my room in the apartment, well, that means posting ads, meeting people, cleaning the house, and giving up my time to hang around and do all of this shit. And what have I been getting in return? I've been getting flake after flake after flake. What is up with people in L.A.??? Really? I mean, really? If you're not serious about moving into a new place (as specified in the ad), then don't reply or make a time to come check it out. Thanks a bunch for wasting my day and my time, and more importantly my roommates' time, since they've stuck around the apartment too just waiting in hopes of meeting their new potential roomie. Man oh man this aggrevates me! I mean, I hate it when my friends flake on me, but for some reason even when strangers do it it makes me just as MAD!
I just wanna get all of my stuff out and into my new (tiny) place. I want to start decorating and organizing my new place, cause that is where I'm gonna be for a long while. I love the beach! Although it's kind of a down grade cause the apartment is smaller and now I have to share a bathroom, well...it's on the beach! How can one pass that up? It was a trade I was willing to make, apparently. I know it will be good for me :) No more listening to my roommates sexcapades at 10pm or 2am (thank god!), and no more waking up to the smell of marajuana at 7am. No more missed phone calls or texts, or lost phone connections because of the crappy service we get on our block. Hmmm, what else??? I just wanna get things in my life in order, and right now that starts w/ getting someone to rent out my room in the old apartment...
Any takers?
I am leaving my 2 roommates for another apartment on the beach, with 2 new roommates.
I'm just a lil frustrated w/ the people of Los Angeles right now. Since I am trying to rent out just my room in the apartment, well, that means posting ads, meeting people, cleaning the house, and giving up my time to hang around and do all of this shit. And what have I been getting in return? I've been getting flake after flake after flake. What is up with people in L.A.??? Really? I mean, really? If you're not serious about moving into a new place (as specified in the ad), then don't reply or make a time to come check it out. Thanks a bunch for wasting my day and my time, and more importantly my roommates' time, since they've stuck around the apartment too just waiting in hopes of meeting their new potential roomie. Man oh man this aggrevates me! I mean, I hate it when my friends flake on me, but for some reason even when strangers do it it makes me just as MAD!
I just wanna get all of my stuff out and into my new (tiny) place. I want to start decorating and organizing my new place, cause that is where I'm gonna be for a long while. I love the beach! Although it's kind of a down grade cause the apartment is smaller and now I have to share a bathroom, well...it's on the beach! How can one pass that up? It was a trade I was willing to make, apparently. I know it will be good for me :) No more listening to my roommates sexcapades at 10pm or 2am (thank god!), and no more waking up to the smell of marajuana at 7am. No more missed phone calls or texts, or lost phone connections because of the crappy service we get on our block. Hmmm, what else??? I just wanna get things in my life in order, and right now that starts w/ getting someone to rent out my room in the old apartment...
Any takers?
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