So today my friend Allison and I had plans to go to some music industry lunch at the Hotel Cafe in Hollywood. Neko Case was performing and it was just gonna be so much fun and we were gonna get lunch and drinks out of the whole deal too. I couldn't wait! I told my new show that I had a doctor's appt this afternoon (totally cool guys, they didn't care) and off I went to meet Allison at 11:45am this afternoon.
Now how funny is this? As soon as we walk inside the venue we hit the line for food(not the funny part yet). I've just picked up 2 mini cupcakes, one vanilla and one chocolate (had to try both...yumm!), and who do I run into...D.B. Yep, go figure, small FUCKING music industry world, right? D.B. has come back to the food line to grab multiple cupcakes (that's my boy!) and I think he's a bit shocked to see me standing there saying hello to him. It got kinda weird cause I really wasn't expecting to see him there and it wasn't even really a thought that he'd be there at all. So I was just trying to go do my thing and not get in his way. I was there w/ Allison and we were on a mission to have a fun time! Even if it was lunch time. Well, he took it as a sign that I was mad at him or that I didn't want to hang around and talk. Well, I didn't want to hang around and talk cause I feel like I'd just be getting sympathy attention from him. Hell, the guy rejected me! The guy told me I wasn't wife material for him. I wasn't allowed a spot in his future. I don't feel like anything I have to say to D.B. now will be taken seriously or remembered or will have any significance to him, ya know. So yah, I was trying to B-line it away from him. Next thing I know he and Allison are talking and getting chummy and I'm feeling like I just can't escape him. What did I do to deserve this? My fight or flight response was kicking in and all of a sudden I wasn't hungry for the huge plate of food I had just served myself. Although I did tell myself that I had to eat the cupcakes, nerves or not, I wanted those cupcakes!!!! So there I am standing at the bar, trying to be nice to D.B. and to not seem awkward, but my legs were shaking, my stomach was queasy, I was getting light headed, and as I stared at the bar all I thought was, "I'm gonna get drunk." So I ordered a Newcastle (this was just the first of a few) and a Diet Coke for Allison and we proceeded to grab a seat. We sat at a table right in front of D.B. and his coworkers, but I kinda just tuned him out, cause I was there w/ my friend and first off, I had no idea he was even going to be there. So I just did my thing. I met an awesome chic, Alethia, also a Music Supervisor. Anyways, we hit it off and had some good conversation. We watched Neko Case sing and laugh and joke. It was a great lil set for being 1pm, even if Neko and friends were sleep deprived. I think the sleep deprivation gave the entire show more character :)
So yah, here I am trying to heal my wounds and bury old feelings from the past that have been brought to life, again, thanks D.B. But for some reason I keep seeing D.B. Well, okay, I've only seen him twice in the last 24hrs, but...He's gonna have to know that I run in the same circle that he does. Running into him today was just a taste of it all. I mean, we are bound to run into each other again. I mean after all we did meet at a music industry party, so he's crazy if he thinks he's never gonna run into me again.
I just want to heal, ya know.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I just want my pants back...
Okay, so a few months back the book club (well, I half-ass joined my friends book club) decided to read a book called "I just want my pants back" by David Rosen. Let me just say, I am hooked! Although I didn't read it when the book club did, their discussion of the book made me want to read it all that much more. So here I am, NOW, reading "I just want my pants back."
Here's a lil bit about the book:
"Jason Strider, the slacker-hero of former ad-man and MTV series creator Rosen's screwball debut novel, is a recent Cornell grad more interested in marijuana, booze and quick lays than his boring job or romantic relationships. The carnal drought he's been experiencing is mercifully ended early in the book with a bout of athletic sex involving his refrigerator and a bar pickup named Jane, who departs after a second hook-up wearing his favorite pair of Dickies. His quest, then, to retrieve the pants occupies the bulk of the book. Along the way, Jason gets assists in the process of personal growth from his ailing next-door neighbor, Patty, and old Cornell buds Eric and Stacey, who ask Jason to perform their wedding ceremony. By the end of the tale, Jason has begun to mature and comes back into contact with his beloved pants in an unexpected yet appropriate fashion. Rosen deftly keeps the exploits of a shallow hero moving along-and more impressively, makes readers care what happens to his caddish narrator."
So needless to say, I currently have experienced my own lil "I just want my pants back" moment, only I title it, "I just want my earring back." Are you laughing yet? I kinda am, but my ventures to get the earrings back were a bit easier than Jason's mission to get his pants back. You see, D.B. and I are over, duh, but I left some earrings at his place. I know, it's stupid and I should've just said adios to the earrings, but really, why should I? I mean, those were my earrings and he's the DB, so...When shit was going down and he was laying it out there last Sunday that we weren't gonna work in the future, well, I threw it out there that I wanted to get my earrings and he was totally cool w/ it. So needless to say I was in Hollywood for a show Wednesday night & I told him I wanted to come by and get my earrings. I even made it easy for him, I told him he could just throw them in an envelope and leave them on the front porch. I just figured that since he was the one who called it off, well, he probably wouldn't want to see me. I mean, I'm still bummed and hurting from being rejected, so kinda the last thing I want is to sit in front of the man who doesn't see me in his future. So of course, when I get to his place he's home, and he's up, and he's chit chatting the crap out of me. Honestly, as soon as he handed me the earrings I was already half way through planning my escape. I just wanted to run out of the front door and not look back. I just wanted to say, "Thanks for stopping by San Diego" and leave. I don't know, I'm just having an issue w/ D.B. and it may seem silly to outsiders, but it's hit my core. I am really feeling rejected and no good. This has brought up way too many dead burned out feelings from the past. I mean, to D.B. I am no good. Ugh, I don't even want to go here right now, so...With all of that said, I got my earrings back and I got a somewhat invite to go snowboarding on Saturday. Uh, ya right! He's gonna flake and not call me and all of that jazz. Again, here he is trying to be the nice guy and look like the good guy, when really, he doesn't give a shit and he's not gonna really try to have a friendship w/ me.
So in my daily travels through the pages of "I just want my pants back", well, I smile and I laugh and I dive deep into the story cause I too had my own lil "I just want my earrings back" moment. I can relate to Jason and how much he just wants his favorite Dickies back...It's gotten to the point where he doesn't give a shit about Jane (the girl who borrowed the pants), but that he just wants his pants!!! Thank God I got my earrings back before days, weeks, and months had passed...
Now go check out "I just want my pants back" by David Rosen.
Here's a lil bit about the book:
"Jason Strider, the slacker-hero of former ad-man and MTV series creator Rosen's screwball debut novel, is a recent Cornell grad more interested in marijuana, booze and quick lays than his boring job or romantic relationships. The carnal drought he's been experiencing is mercifully ended early in the book with a bout of athletic sex involving his refrigerator and a bar pickup named Jane, who departs after a second hook-up wearing his favorite pair of Dickies. His quest, then, to retrieve the pants occupies the bulk of the book. Along the way, Jason gets assists in the process of personal growth from his ailing next-door neighbor, Patty, and old Cornell buds Eric and Stacey, who ask Jason to perform their wedding ceremony. By the end of the tale, Jason has begun to mature and comes back into contact with his beloved pants in an unexpected yet appropriate fashion. Rosen deftly keeps the exploits of a shallow hero moving along-and more impressively, makes readers care what happens to his caddish narrator."
So needless to say, I currently have experienced my own lil "I just want my pants back" moment, only I title it, "I just want my earring back." Are you laughing yet? I kinda am, but my ventures to get the earrings back were a bit easier than Jason's mission to get his pants back. You see, D.B. and I are over, duh, but I left some earrings at his place. I know, it's stupid and I should've just said adios to the earrings, but really, why should I? I mean, those were my earrings and he's the DB, so...When shit was going down and he was laying it out there last Sunday that we weren't gonna work in the future, well, I threw it out there that I wanted to get my earrings and he was totally cool w/ it. So needless to say I was in Hollywood for a show Wednesday night & I told him I wanted to come by and get my earrings. I even made it easy for him, I told him he could just throw them in an envelope and leave them on the front porch. I just figured that since he was the one who called it off, well, he probably wouldn't want to see me. I mean, I'm still bummed and hurting from being rejected, so kinda the last thing I want is to sit in front of the man who doesn't see me in his future. So of course, when I get to his place he's home, and he's up, and he's chit chatting the crap out of me. Honestly, as soon as he handed me the earrings I was already half way through planning my escape. I just wanted to run out of the front door and not look back. I just wanted to say, "Thanks for stopping by San Diego" and leave. I don't know, I'm just having an issue w/ D.B. and it may seem silly to outsiders, but it's hit my core. I am really feeling rejected and no good. This has brought up way too many dead burned out feelings from the past. I mean, to D.B. I am no good. Ugh, I don't even want to go here right now, so...With all of that said, I got my earrings back and I got a somewhat invite to go snowboarding on Saturday. Uh, ya right! He's gonna flake and not call me and all of that jazz. Again, here he is trying to be the nice guy and look like the good guy, when really, he doesn't give a shit and he's not gonna really try to have a friendship w/ me.
So in my daily travels through the pages of "I just want my pants back", well, I smile and I laugh and I dive deep into the story cause I too had my own lil "I just want my earrings back" moment. I can relate to Jason and how much he just wants his favorite Dickies back...It's gotten to the point where he doesn't give a shit about Jane (the girl who borrowed the pants), but that he just wants his pants!!! Thank God I got my earrings back before days, weeks, and months had passed...
Now go check out "I just want my pants back" by David Rosen.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
D.B. turned out to be a real DB (douche bag)...
I'm in denial.
I'm in shock and I'm in disbelief.
I feel like my stomach has been scooped out of my body.
I feel like my heart has skipped a beat and I just feel empty all around.
I almost think I am having an out of body experience right now, cause I'm just in such disbelief.
I've been officially rejected via iChat. Yep, that's right. It was like pulling teeth, so to speak, but I got D.B. to admit that he was over it. And to him, he feels like he was being a gentleman and being all honest and good about the whole thing, but that's not how I see it. First off, it took me, bringing it up for everything to go down, and over iChat of all things. Second, he told me that he was getting older and basically wanting to settle down and he didn't see me in his future (basically that is what he said). I'm basically not the girl he'd want to take home to mom, or something like that. WTF? I'm the best fucking girl you'd want to take home to your parents and to take home to your own place. I'm so caring and understanding, nurturing and loving...I'm wild and I'm sweet. I have it all and he didn't see that. So here I am, in denial, super bummed, and just confused as hell.
I've been through this so many times (the whole rejection thing) that I knew it was coming...I was just hoping that this one time my gut feeling, my instincts, were wrong about D.B. I feel so rejected and unwanted and unloved. I feel so small. I feel like no one wants me. I feel like I'm not good enough :( I just put so much faith into D.B. So many good thoughts and feelings, so many expectations...basically I put all my eggs into one basket, and that basket belonged to D.B. How is he to say that I don't want what he wants. How is he to say that I don't want a family. How is he to say any of that?
I just think he met someone else...bottom line.
So when he thinks he looks good by being honest and telling me the truth, bla bla bla, well...he's really a sack of shit cause he's lying about the real truth. There is someone else.
Guess D.B. turned out the be a real DB (Douche Bag)!!!!
p.s.
He said he still likes me and wants to hang out and go snowboarding, etc...
what? How the hell am I gonna be able to handle that? I like the guy, and here he is saying he wants to hang out and be friends but not have a relationship...uh???? That's not gonna work dude...you're fooling yourself, but thanks for playing...
I'm in shock and I'm in disbelief.
I feel like my stomach has been scooped out of my body.
I feel like my heart has skipped a beat and I just feel empty all around.
I almost think I am having an out of body experience right now, cause I'm just in such disbelief.
I've been officially rejected via iChat. Yep, that's right. It was like pulling teeth, so to speak, but I got D.B. to admit that he was over it. And to him, he feels like he was being a gentleman and being all honest and good about the whole thing, but that's not how I see it. First off, it took me, bringing it up for everything to go down, and over iChat of all things. Second, he told me that he was getting older and basically wanting to settle down and he didn't see me in his future (basically that is what he said). I'm basically not the girl he'd want to take home to mom, or something like that. WTF? I'm the best fucking girl you'd want to take home to your parents and to take home to your own place. I'm so caring and understanding, nurturing and loving...I'm wild and I'm sweet. I have it all and he didn't see that. So here I am, in denial, super bummed, and just confused as hell.
I've been through this so many times (the whole rejection thing) that I knew it was coming...I was just hoping that this one time my gut feeling, my instincts, were wrong about D.B. I feel so rejected and unwanted and unloved. I feel so small. I feel like no one wants me. I feel like I'm not good enough :( I just put so much faith into D.B. So many good thoughts and feelings, so many expectations...basically I put all my eggs into one basket, and that basket belonged to D.B. How is he to say that I don't want what he wants. How is he to say that I don't want a family. How is he to say any of that?
I just think he met someone else...bottom line.
So when he thinks he looks good by being honest and telling me the truth, bla bla bla, well...he's really a sack of shit cause he's lying about the real truth. There is someone else.
Guess D.B. turned out the be a real DB (Douche Bag)!!!!
p.s.
He said he still likes me and wants to hang out and go snowboarding, etc...
what? How the hell am I gonna be able to handle that? I like the guy, and here he is saying he wants to hang out and be friends but not have a relationship...uh???? That's not gonna work dude...you're fooling yourself, but thanks for playing...
Friday, January 23, 2009
Trying something new
I'm such a mess right now.
I just got off the phone w/ a "new" therapist, and immediately started bawling my eyes out! What is wrong w/ me? Why is this so traumatic? I hate the thought of starting completely over w/ a new therapist. I hate the fact that I have to rehash so much of my life w/ someone new. It makes me sad because I love what I have w/ my old therapist. I just need to see her so much
right now and I can't. And so this is why I am crying. I really need her right now!
Switching therapists is almost like breaking up w/ a boy and then seeing someone new. You have to start all over again and reintroduce yourself all over again and show them who you really are, all over again. It's such a FUCKING process and I'm kinda tired of it (with the boys), and for some reason it just makes me breakdown and cry. I've worked so well w/ my old therapist and I don't want to leave her. Hell, I don't even want her to know that I've visited someone else, but I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm cheating on my therapist. Is that even possible? What to do, what to do...
"You've got mental problems man...yah, mental problems man..."
I just got off the phone w/ a "new" therapist, and immediately started bawling my eyes out! What is wrong w/ me? Why is this so traumatic? I hate the thought of starting completely over w/ a new therapist. I hate the fact that I have to rehash so much of my life w/ someone new. It makes me sad because I love what I have w/ my old therapist. I just need to see her so much
right now and I can't. And so this is why I am crying. I really need her right now!
Switching therapists is almost like breaking up w/ a boy and then seeing someone new. You have to start all over again and reintroduce yourself all over again and show them who you really are, all over again. It's such a FUCKING process and I'm kinda tired of it (with the boys), and for some reason it just makes me breakdown and cry. I've worked so well w/ my old therapist and I don't want to leave her. Hell, I don't even want her to know that I've visited someone else, but I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm cheating on my therapist. Is that even possible? What to do, what to do...
"You've got mental problems man...yah, mental problems man..."
Monday, January 19, 2009
I'm sick
I think I'm going to throw up right now.
My nerves are all wacky right now and I hate this feeling.
I feel as if I'm being broken up with. As if I'm being dumped.
As if the secret is finally out and I'm the last one to know.
D.B. hasn't called or texted or anything all day. I'm so sad right now :(
I just want to cry and throw up and crawl into a hole. I feel so sick to my stomach right now.
What did I do to deserve any of this? Why do I feel this way? Am I just being dramatic or is this really happening?
I wish the bastard would just call me. Pick up the damn phone and call me!!!
This all feels nightmarish to me and I just want it to all go away!
I want to throw up and to feel better. I want him to call me and tell me he's sorry and that he wants to see me sometime this week...that's all I want!!!!
My nerves are all wacky right now and I hate this feeling.
I feel as if I'm being broken up with. As if I'm being dumped.
As if the secret is finally out and I'm the last one to know.
D.B. hasn't called or texted or anything all day. I'm so sad right now :(
I just want to cry and throw up and crawl into a hole. I feel so sick to my stomach right now.
What did I do to deserve any of this? Why do I feel this way? Am I just being dramatic or is this really happening?
I wish the bastard would just call me. Pick up the damn phone and call me!!!
This all feels nightmarish to me and I just want it to all go away!
I want to throw up and to feel better. I want him to call me and tell me he's sorry and that he wants to see me sometime this week...that's all I want!!!!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
So this is dating?
So I just had to flash back to my most recent relationship, which was 2.5yrs ago...ha!
I just started thinking what it was like when Chris and I first met and started hanging out and getting to know each other.
I just had to remember what it was like, cause I have to be honest, dating and getting to know people right now in my life seems like so much work and is such a challenge. I've never had to spend so much time on this shit called DATING!!!! It's wearing me out!
So I started to remember back to when I first started seeing Chris (and no, I have no want or need to be w/ him or anything like that anymore...we've been over for 2.5yrs and he's been on my shit list for 2.5yrs). But I just remember that he would actually pick up the phone and call me. He wanted to spend time w/ me. He wanted to spend his weekends w/ me. He wanted to hang out w/ my friends. He cooked for me and for my friends. He wanted to share lil parts of his day w/ me. He trusted me and confided in me. At one point, I trusted in him and confided in him too. I just remember it was so easy. Getting to know him and spending those first few weeks/months w/ him was so easy and so amazingly enjoyable! Why does DATING and getting to know someone now have to be so awfully hard and painful? Why are there so many egos involved? Why can't people just be themselves? And more importantly, if you like me and want to spend time w/ me why don't you ask me out on the weekend? Why don't you want to spend more time w/ me? I guess I'm just not use to dating "L.A." guys. I don't know that I ever will be, cause I seem to be having such issues w/ one right now. Bad thing is that he doesn't know I feel this way. How do you tell someone you're dating that you feel a lil neglected and unimportant to them. I mean, do I mean anything? Or is this just something for him to pass the time? My friend Gary made a comment tonight that sometimes when a guy is dating a girl that it doesn't necessarily mean anything at all. It just is what it is. Man oh man did that put a damper on my mood about D.B. Could that be what is going on right now? Could it be that dating D.B. means nothing?
Oy!
I'm a total freakshow, once again.
I've got to go.
I've got to put some things to rest right now or else...
I just started thinking what it was like when Chris and I first met and started hanging out and getting to know each other.
I just had to remember what it was like, cause I have to be honest, dating and getting to know people right now in my life seems like so much work and is such a challenge. I've never had to spend so much time on this shit called DATING!!!! It's wearing me out!
So I started to remember back to when I first started seeing Chris (and no, I have no want or need to be w/ him or anything like that anymore...we've been over for 2.5yrs and he's been on my shit list for 2.5yrs). But I just remember that he would actually pick up the phone and call me. He wanted to spend time w/ me. He wanted to spend his weekends w/ me. He wanted to hang out w/ my friends. He cooked for me and for my friends. He wanted to share lil parts of his day w/ me. He trusted me and confided in me. At one point, I trusted in him and confided in him too. I just remember it was so easy. Getting to know him and spending those first few weeks/months w/ him was so easy and so amazingly enjoyable! Why does DATING and getting to know someone now have to be so awfully hard and painful? Why are there so many egos involved? Why can't people just be themselves? And more importantly, if you like me and want to spend time w/ me why don't you ask me out on the weekend? Why don't you want to spend more time w/ me? I guess I'm just not use to dating "L.A." guys. I don't know that I ever will be, cause I seem to be having such issues w/ one right now. Bad thing is that he doesn't know I feel this way. How do you tell someone you're dating that you feel a lil neglected and unimportant to them. I mean, do I mean anything? Or is this just something for him to pass the time? My friend Gary made a comment tonight that sometimes when a guy is dating a girl that it doesn't necessarily mean anything at all. It just is what it is. Man oh man did that put a damper on my mood about D.B. Could that be what is going on right now? Could it be that dating D.B. means nothing?
Oy!
I'm a total freakshow, once again.
I've got to go.
I've got to put some things to rest right now or else...
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I want more!
I just have to say that I want more!
I want more and I deserve more, and if some dude thinks he can just keep me around to fill in the lonely nights on the calendar that aren't filled w/ bands, and dinners, and friends, and drinks, parties and what have you, well...F*** that!!!
I'm not hanging around to be penciled in!!!
If you can't make plans w/ me, don't call me!
I want more and I deserve more, and if some dude thinks he can just keep me around to fill in the lonely nights on the calendar that aren't filled w/ bands, and dinners, and friends, and drinks, parties and what have you, well...F*** that!!!
I'm not hanging around to be penciled in!!!
If you can't make plans w/ me, don't call me!
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