BOOBIES, Part Tres

Okay, so I saw a surgeon for the abscess/mass in my right breast. I was determined to get some answers, good or bad. My lump had been growing so much that my skin started changing colors from the pressure of the infection growing in my breast. I know, GROSS! To be honest I was so freaked out that I started to think I might have IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer). I know that's a bit far off, but hell, my breast was changing colors for goodness sake, what was I suppose to think!!! Not normal, not normal at all.
So I see this surgeon, and BAM, she wants to open me up right then and there and drain it all. What? Really? Right here and now? Okay, get this thing out of me please!!! Needless to say I have a hole in my breast, literally, a hole. It's gross, but it was so worth it. I was so overwhelmed w/ all of the info the doctor was giving me and the fact that I was being cut open that I couldn't even pay attention to what she was really telling me. All in all, I'm okay, and I hope the infection doesn't come back. Please don't come back!

Back to my normal life now of work, boys, the beach, music, training, etc...NO MORE LUMPS!!!

Professional "Bullshitter"

I have so much anger inside right now, and I have so much anger inside that is being brought on by DB. I see him and I want to literally beat him up. I want to full on sprint towards him throwing punches, kicking out his legs from underneath him, pinning him to the ground and physically beating him up. I just have so much hate and anger towards the guy. I hate that I feel this way, but it's how I feel. Haven't really been able to discuss it w/ my therapist for the past few months, so I'm trying to figure it all out myself.

I'm angry and hurt cause he rejected me. I'm angry and hurt because after rejecting me he continued to play some sort of head game w/ me as if I were some insecure, vulnerable, naive girl who would come to his beck'n call, anytime...not the case!

I hate games!!!

It makes me mad that he thinks he has some sort of spell on me or control over me. It angers me that when I do randomly run into him at shows or at the beach (so random), or where have you, that he tries to pretend that he and I are friends and that he knows me oh so well. He doesn't know me. I am angry that he has to point out and say that he is a good guy and a good person, when in reality HE IS NOT. He does shitty things to people and doesn't give a shit about anyone else but himself, yet he doesn't want to look like a douche so he verbally tells people he's a "good guy." He's in denial about his actions. On top of that, he feels the need to be the center of attention all the time. If he's not the center of attention or if it's not his story being told then he fears people won't be paying attention to him. He's an "attention whore!" He can't be a cool, chill guy just hanging out w/ friends and socializing like normal people. He's got to be a crazy SPAZ who demands everyones attention. It's all about him and it's always on his time. Whatever dude. Like I've said before, go "F" yourself with sandpaper, and forget about me as well. Thanks.

So now you can see why I am a bit mad and angry and sad and all of the above when it comes to DB. He had such great potential in the beginning, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He turned the tables though and turns out he really is a douche. He should teach classes on how to "schmooze" and "brown nose" in business and personal life. The guy is not REAL, he is a robot. Somehow I think I need some sort of closure from all of this, and the only way I know to get closure from DB is to get the last word. Either send him an "Abel" email, or to physically beat him up and then give him a last word.

I'm so angry!

Watch out for Fire Hydrants

This past Saturday was a BIG day. My running group had another 20 mile run and I knew from the night before that it wasn't gonna be a great run for me. I am training for the LA Marathon and I run long runs on Saturday mornings w/ my running group. Here's the thing, this past week my training was shit because of recovering from Coachella (too much walking around, binge eating/drinking, and not enough exercise, but tons of dancing) and a lil knee pain from last week, so needless to say I knew Saturday's run wasn't going to be the best 20 miles I'd run. Oh, it didn't help either that at about mile 4 I took 3 secs to look down at my waist pack while I tried to grab some shot blocks before one of our water stops, and in that 3 seconds I hit a fire hydrant head on w/ my right thigh.

"That fucker came out of nowhere!"

Needless to say I have a HUGE knot on my right thigh that is various shades of black, blue, purple, and red...not pretty, not pretty at all!!! It's swollen, and it hurts! Also, when I ran into the hydrant I think my face turned various shades of the same black, blue, purple, and red. I'm fine now, but it was so embarrassing and so early into the run...sheesh!

So the count down has begun. Four weeks until the big day, May 25th is the L.A. Marathon!

No time for "Reindeer Games"

Okay, I'm getting a bit fed up. DB just comes out of the woodwork and chats me up like, oh I don't know, nothing has happened. WTF??? You can't just appear and disappear whenever the hell you like, not w/ me. Not cool man, not cool!!! So out of nowhere he's wants to know how I am and what I've been up to, and if it's time to hook up again. Ummm, yah dude, it's totally time to get it on, cause you know, I have nothing better to do than be desperate and to just sit around and wait for when you want something from me. Yep, that's totally it. Who the hell does he think I am??? Apparently it hasn't sunk into his thick skull that I am bigger than life. I am way too independent and strong willed for this Mother F***er. And I am damn straight up sick of these "Reindeer Games" he wants to play. Sorry A**hole, but it's not about you anymore, and NO we are not gonna make out anytime soon. Seriously, what the hell is that all about? Go "F" yourself w/ sandpaper, mkay! And while you're at it, forget about me please. Thank you.

BOOBIES!!! (Part Deux)

Okay, so I've mentioned I had issues w/ one of my breasts. I was freaking out a few months back about this lump in my breast, that supposedly was an infection, not cancer, but just an abscess. Well, it sorta went away, and now it's back. It's back, and it's bigger and a bit more painful. Went to the good doctor again, and he still doesn't know what the "F" it is, so...now I'm headed to see a surgeon about having this lump straight up removed. Now here's where it gets heavy. My lump now has lumps of it's own and my breast is changing colors. Yep, that's right, it's bright red and sorta purple where the lump is. Now I am no doctor, but I have done some reading, and I'm pretty sure this isn't normal. I'm pretty sure something BIG is going on. I've basically diagnosed myself w/ "IBC" (Inflammatory Breast Cancer). I have a few of the symptoms, but what did it for me was the changing colors of the skin, I mean, that's just not normal. I feel like it turns a darker shade of red each morning I wake up too.

I'm in denial that this is happening to me, I really am. Funny thing is, it's on my mind 24/7. Everytime my boss walks out of the room I'm feeling my breast. Or everytime I go to the bathroom I'm lifting up my shirt to see if my breast has changed color again or something. It's just constantly on my mind. Hell, when I do yoga or pilates I get frustrated when we have to lye on our stomachs because it's so uncomfortable lying on a lump and being all lopsided on the floor. I just want it gone!!! I just want it to go away or be cut away or what have you. Go, get, begone!!!

So I am seeing a breast surgeon next week about it all. Wish me luck, right.

Hella COACHELLA '09

Well, the title says it all...Coachella '09 was awesome!
The Mother Ship came, it saw, it conquered, and it packed it's bags and went back to L.A.

A lil run down of who we saw.

Friday started w/ We Are Scientists, The Airborne Toxic Event, Los Campesinos, The Hold Steady, The Ting Tings, Crystal Castles, The BUG Featuring Warrior Queen (surprisingly really really good!), Ghostland Observatory (off the hook!), Beirut, Morrissey, and Paul McCartney.
Saturday started w/ Blitzen Trapper, Amanda Palmer, Henry Rollins, Zane Lowe, The Bloody Beetroot DJ Set (AWESOME!!!), TV On The Radio, DJ AM & Travis Barker (again, surprisingly really really good!), M.I.A., Jenny Lewis, The Killers, and Atmosphere to close out the night. Slug is a lyrical genius. Absolutely love him and have been waiting a long time to see him get down. Wasn't too impressed w/ the set list, but I'm not gonna complain too much.

I have to say I was really into most of the DJ sets in the Sahara tent. That tent was totally rockin!!! It was dance party central and it was so GOOD!!! I ate so much shit while we were camping and hanging out there all weekend, so it felt good to dance and burn a few calories of the nasty goodness I was ingesting :) I will say, I love a Spicy Pie!!! There was some damn good and fresh pizza comin' outta the ovens at Coachella this year. I didn't even feel guilty eating it that's how good and fresh it was.

A bit bummed I couldn't stay for Sunday's line up...Mexican Institute of Sound, Friendly Fires, Okkervil River, Lykke Li, The Gaslight Anthem, Peter Bjorn & John, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Perry Farrell, and of course The Cure just to name a few.

Man oh man there were so many other great acts that I didn't even get to see. Too many schedule conflicts!!!
Next year I say, next year. There will be all 3 days of concert going, and there will be a grand old Mother Ship, and an extra day off from work. I'm so exhausted, but it was all so worth it!!!

The Soundtrack Of Our Lives...

So I'm hanging out listening to James Yuill...super good stuff! And there's just something about the song "No Surprise" Earth Version. I don't know what it is but it just hit me. This song is great, and it's sorta making me sad. I wasn't feeling sad when I started listening to it, but it just struck a chord or something in me. And this is why I'm a music FREAK!

You know when you hear a song and it just moves you? I mean it really touches you deep. Whether it be a booty shaking beat that gets you out on the dance floor, that slow sad sappy ballad that makes you reminisce about the past, or a raging rocking tune that just makes you feel invincible or like kicking some ass...that's how incredible music is. I feel like lately I've just been discovering more artists and singles out and about that just cover all the bases for me. I'm a basket case when I hear a tune that gets my heart a racing. I feel like so much music that I listen to is essentially the soundtrack to my life. Of course it would take hours and days and months to try and put a soundtrack to my life, but man oh man, could you imagine the tracks on it?

Have a listen if you will http://www.myspace.com/jamesyuill

The Plague

Okay, do I have the plague or something? I just have to ask, because the past few days and even the past few weeks I just feel like I have the plague and no one wants to be around me. I feel like most of my friends(in L.A.) are just completely M.I.A. and don't give a shit about me, and everyone's just off doing their own thing. Cool, great, I get it, you have your own life too, but come on, we are friends. Aren't friends suppose to hang w/ friends and share w/ friends and be a part of their friends' lives??? Yah, that's what I thought. So apparently I have the plague though. Ugh!!!

My best friend was feeling this way a few weeks back and it made me so sad cause I've totally felt this way before and I get it. It made me even more sad though cause she felt like I was sorta M.I.A. at the time and I really didn't mean to be, it's just so damn hard to be around 24/7 when you don't live in the same state. And yes, maybe I am a hypocrite cause I was just bitching about how everyone has their own shit going on, blah blah blah, and just now I wanted to say that I had so much of my own craziness going on that I couldn't be around for my BFF in Idaho. Yah, it goes both ways apparently, and I get it.

I just hate having the feeling of not being wanted or that everyone is essentially steering clear of me and my path for reasons unknown to me. It doesn't make me feel all that great, and at the same time it makes me feel really bitter towards the people in my life that are steering clear of me.

Hmmm, where are REAL friends when you need them?

Can't a cute lil blonde girl catch a break?

My life has just been nuts lately. I mean, I use to think I had a black cloud following me, but then my therapist helped me to think otherwise. So I don't think I have a black cloud hanging around and I try not to think negative thoughts like that any longer. Let me just say this though, right now I really feel like the black cloud is back and it's brought a freakin' army.
It was about 3 weeks ago that my skies had a silver lining and I was on cloud 9 and a lot of good was happening in my life. Ummm, cut to 2 weeks ago, and even worse, right now, and I've got the darkest of the dark of skies all around (or so that is how it feels). Can't a cute lil blonde girl catch a break?

Not only have all areas of my life been unstable and a bit rocky and all over the place lately, well...my emotions and mental health are just a bit tested right now too. I just want to climb the tallest mountain and scream at the top of my lungs one minute, but then the next minute I just want to throw in the towel and cry like a baby.

I know there are trials and tribulations in all of our lives. There may even be times when we feel we are being tested for one reason or another. I'm just trying to keep my head high and truck on through these shaky times and feelings I'm having right now. I know it will all pass, but right now I just really want to smash something and scream, "WHY"!!!!

All In All

We all do it. We jump to conclusions, and we definitely jump to conclusions and assumptions when it comes to the opposite sex. Why? Why do we do this all the time? Why can't we just ask? Why can't we just be open and honest and ask questions?

So a few of my friends and others included are having some major boy drama(s) these days. It makes me crazy altogether just to hear about their shit. I mean, from an outsider's p.o.v. it's just way too simple, ya know. But when you're actually the one in the relationship, well, there is just much more to it (believe me, I get it). I've been victim to it all as well, so...as women we are just so quick to jump to conclusion. We get irrational and we make up crazy stuff in our heads. We make excuses for the male species and it's really fucking ridiculous. Oh the things we do for love. Or is it lust? Whatever it is it can't really be that worth it in the end can it? I mean, the stress, the confusion, the let downs, the crying, the fights, the bullshit...I mean, is it really worth it? We all deserve so much more, right? When is enough enough?

If you like someone, tell them. If you wanna be w/ someone, let them know. If you wanna keep things casual, again, let it be known. All in all, communicate. Share your feelings and be honest. Neither one of the sexes can read minds (thank god).