I'm so L.A....ha!

I'm so tired of walking on eggshells around some people who are in my life right now. And I'm not even sure walking on eggshells is what it really is. I'm tired of constantly having to watch my behavior or what I say around certain people in order not to hurt their feelings or piss them off or send them off into one of their famous disappearing acts, AKA a coke frenzy(I'm being serious here). It's like I can only say a few words here or there and then I have to wait for their reaction before I know what direction I can then go w/ the rest of the conversation or something like that. It's really weird and too much work for me. I am who I am and I do damn well whatever I want and if friends in my life can't handle it or don't want to hear it then they should leave. They should quit getting butt hurt and sensi to things that go on in my life and my personal life(things that don't even concern them).

I guess this all stems from Brett telling me "I'm so L.A." last night and then pulling a disappearing act on all of us. WTF? So L.A.? Really dude? Well, it's too bad he's the only one who thinks that(Hell, Brianna thinks I'm so NY, ha!). Umm, he hasn't even been to L.A. so he's got no room to judge, and this is such a waste of my time to go off on him or even think about going off. Bottom line, I am me, and I am HAPPY! You don't like it...LEAVE! Hmmm, so maybe that's it. Maybe it's my happiness that has sent him into a bit of a "hey I'm gonna say hurtful things to you" mode just to get some attention or a reaction(damn you Leo's!). I know that game w/ him all too well. I can see it all the way from L.A., that's how well I know it.

I'm just tired of it, ya know. I thought after the wedding we had started a really good friendship. I just don't know what to think anymore and I don't know if I have the energy for it anymore.

Somebody is thinking of me...

So I kinda had this feeling I might get a phone call or text or something thrown my way from Ken today. In the past I've always been the one to call him and wish him a Happy Holiday, and not just on Christmas, but on every other holiday in the year too...not this year though. I sorta thought about him today, but the thought started and ended right there. I'm over it and I'm moving on and I don't need to be wishing him a Happy anything. He's not even in my thoughts any longer(accept for the thought today).

He keeps sending these texts that are very heartfelt and reminiscent of our past together(probably cause he's alone on Xmas and thinking about me). They are sweet and nice, but they are not what I want to hear. I'm over the past and the time he and I had together. I don't want to even reminisce. There's nothing there, the feelings are gone. The mental pictures are there, but the feelings that should be associated just don't exist any longer.

It sucks to hear him say he always thinks about us and what if...yah, what if? I mean, I use to have those thoughts 24/7 about him and I, but I was forced to knock it off. I wasn't given any choice other than to SNAP out of it and move on. So I did. Guess this is the craziness that life throws at us. This is the twisty, turning, unfair, "why me" type of thing, but...it is what it is.

I just hate that he's still thinking about me and what if. I hate that he still makes jokes about me climbing through the computer to be w/ him. Sure, it was cute when we did the long distance shit, but now it's just not funny. I don't know if he thinks I'm joking or what, but he's not really taking me serious when I tell him I'm over him. Oy! What to do?

So I guess that is my update for you on Ken. I don't want to do this "cycling" thing w/ him, and so I've stopped initiating communication on my end. I'm done. I'm over it.

Merry Christmas...HA!

What am I doing...Part 2

Okay, so let me get you up to date for a moment...

Yes, I was a total freakshow on my last date w/ DB(or so I thought).
Yes, I blew everything out of proportion in my head(go figure).
Yes, he did think I was making a BIG deal out of nothing.
Yes, he gets it that I have morals.
No, I did NOT freak him out.
So far so good...

I didn't get to see him again before I left for Idaho, but we've been chatting and it's all been good. I mean, IM-ing isn't exactly how I'd like to get to know someone, but when I think about it, well, I guess that is what online dating is like, right??? I mean, it's sorta like we are doing some online dating, ha! Again, not really what I expected or how I'd like to get to know someone who lives in my same city, but...for now it works. And now that I am actually 1500 miles away on vacation, well, it's kinda fun!

So yah, so far so good. I'm really excited about DB. He's so cute and funny and kinda all over the place, but I like that. Keeps me on my toes and keeps me awake cause I really never know what he's gonna say or what's gonna happen. Better than being w/ someone so predictable right?? Boring!

So I will admit that I am excited to get back to L.A. and to see him again.
There's alot of excitement and anticipation already building :)

And so this is Christmas...

Let me just say that I always paint a perfect picture in my head of how I want all situations I'm going to be in to go. Yah, nothing ever goes as planned, according to my head.

I flew home to Idaho a few days ago for the holidays. Sure, when I bought my ticket back in early Nov. it seemed like such a great idea. I'd be in town for 2wks and I'd get to hang w/ the CdA kids and the Spokane kids, as well as find some time to "shred the gnar"...oh, and I guess I'm gonna have to spend some time w/ the 'rents too(after all they did help w/ the ticket), and so I was thinking that this would be a pretty awesome 2wks, and a great way to end '08.

On Monday it had been less than 2hrs that I'd been in my mom's presence and I was ready to turn the car around and head back to the airport. Yep, it was that bad. I always think, in my head, that things will be different and that I can be this great daughter that can just open up and surrender to my mom's crazy, annoying, controlling habits...yah, I can't do it. I mean, we just fight and bicker and I am stubborn, so that doesn't help. So needless to say that after being in town for only 36hrs I'd already been online looking at changing my plane ticket to head back to L.A. a few days early.

Now don't get me wrong, I've gotten out of the house a bit in the past 3 days and I've been spending time w/ friends and their families, etc...but every time I walk into my 'rents house or even go on some outing w/ them it's just so unbelievably unbearable!!!! Will this ever change?(Not sure why I ask, cause I know the answer...) If it's not my mom nagging and talking to me in this annoying/whiny shouting voice that's 20db too high, then it's my mom totally being a controlling bitch to my dad (which I hate to witness) and just bossing him and everyone else in the room around. I mean, how does she not get it that that is RUDE? Does she not even realize what she is doing?

I'm gonna get super worked up here in a minute.

She is just so controlling and so rude sometimes. I'm so afraid to bring my friends over or even a boy(in the future) for that matter. I just don't want anyone to meet my 'rents and I feel terrible for saying that. They're just so out there sometimes and I feel like I'm the only one who gets it. No one else would be able to handle it and I wouldn't even want them to try, ya know. I mean, it would be a constant go around of me making excuses for my 'rents behavior or for who they are. I mean, I'm not ashamed of who they are. I do love them and appreciate them for all they are, but I just can't handle them 95% of the time.

So it is Christmas Eve and it doesn't even feel like it. Not just because the economy is so crappy and everyone is holding back a bit on the gift giving and extravagance that usually comes w/ the holidays, but...I don't know, it just doesn't feel like it. I'm stuck at my 'rents w/out any other siblings or family around to help me out or rescue me from the disorderly-ness that is my mom. And most of my friends are all w/ their new families (in-laws) or out of town. I just feel so trapped and like I have no control over the situation, and that freaks me out and gives me HUGE anxiety!

But when I really think about it I almost feel guilty that tomorrow is Christmas and it's suppose to be this great day celebrating the birth of Christ (even though technically he wasn't born in December, but you know what I mean) and more importantly spending time w/ family and loved ones. Yah, I said I feel guilty cause I just don't want to deal w/ my family. I can paint a picture in my head of the perfect day tomorrow and what I wish would happen, but that will be so far off from reality. I'd rather be snowboarding tomorrow morning, how's that? Is that bad?

Well, I just know that next year I will not be home for Christmas. I want to spend time in my new city and see how L.A. does the holidays. I'm ready to not come home for once. Maybe even hit up another city, who knows. I just really know that I'm done w/ coming home for awhile, and if I do come home I've got to do a bit more strategic planning (must rent car, must stay w/ friends, must spend lil time w/ 'rents)... I'm just ready to NOT witness my mom nagging me or my dad, or freaking out about every lil thing that is put in front of her face. I can't even give examples cause everything sets her off.

My therapist gave me a few exercises last Christmas to practice for when I'm around my mom, but those were thrown out the window, last Christmas. There's NO hope for practicing any type of exercise around my mom. It's all HOPELESS! I'm just beginning to accept that she will never change and she is who she is. She is not the mom I need her to be for me. With that said, I seek the "mom qualities/characteristics" I need from other people in my life, which works for me. NO complaints here. It just sucks that I have to seek out what I really need in my mom from someone else. But like I've said, I'm beginning to accept the fact my mom won't change, and w/ that said, I sure as hell hope I don't turn into my mother. HA!


Merry Christmas
Wish me luck!

What am I doing...Part 1

So I think it's official that I DON'T know what I am doing.
I'm a total freakshow and I don't know how to turn it off.

I've seen this boy now a few times, and it's been great! It's been really great and I'm so happy right now.
I don't know if it's the boy or what it is, but I'm so happy. I've smiled way more in the past week than I have this entire year. I've never been so deeply lost in la la land and in my daydreams than I am right now. I've also never put this much pressure on myself to be so good. Yep, that's right, I'm being really good w/ this one and it's freaking me out. More importantly I think it's freaking him out or at least I think I freaked him out tonight.

I have issues w/ pushing the boundaries too soon, and for me that totally makes me feel uncomfortable, ya know. I just feel that anytime I'm hanging out w/ a dude that there is some sort of pressure. I hate that feeling!!! It sucks cause it ruins so much. Anyways, I just didn't want to feel the pressure tonight (which was probably all in my head, but still...), and so I kinda freaked out and ruined things and I just got super uncomfortable, as we were making out, and then next thing I knew I was putting on my shoes and walking across the street to my car. Oh yah, what I thought was an awkward goodbye too. I know it's probably all in my head, but I can't deny my feelings or my instinct/gut feeling that is. I just feel like a complete FREAK right now! No man will truly understand why I am the way I am and why I choose to move so damn slow. Looks like "lil Laura" is gonna be SINGLE for the rest of her days. Oh well though, right??? I mean seriously, I'd rather be alone than w/ someone who doesn't get it, or someone who can't respect me in the end...it's lonely being alone :(

I just was thinking that I really liked getting to know this boy, and I think he gets it and understands why I am such a snail, but I don't know. I'd rather have someone admit they can't handle it and leave than me have them just go along and pretend they get it, and then I feel the pressure. I mean, don't lie, admit you can't handle it if you can't handle it...wow, I'm so frustrated right now!!!! I totally want to ball my eyes out cause I don't ever know how I'm gonna continue to handle this in the future w/ other men that come into my life. I'm a total FREAKSHOW!!!!!

I want so badly to email or call him right now (even though it's late) and to explain my freakishness. Not sure what good that will do, cause I can only predict that he would say something like he doesn't know what I'm talking about and that I'm making a BIG deal out of nothing. Yes, this may be true, but it's a BIG deal to me. Guess I kinda liked this one...so far so good. I just wanted to do things right, ya know. I just wanted this to be good. Oh well, only time will tell, right?

I leave on Sunday, in 3.5 days, for Idaho for the holidays, so who knows if I'll even see him before then. My guess, after tonight is NO. I mean, I'd love to see him, but I don't know if I ruined it for him or what, so...like I just said, only time will tell.

Wow, I am really bummed :(

Perma-Grin

Okay, I'm just gonna throw it out there...

I met a boy!
And he gives me perma-grin!
It's only been a few days, but it's been good, and I am a total "FREAKSHOW!"
But the funny thing is, he is too.


I'm sure there will be more to come...

My own darkness has created it for others...

Not sure where to begin, other than I totally crushed one of my best friends feelings recently and I didn't even realize I was doing it. I kinda fell into a 2wk slump after my recent show was cancelled. I went into this "freak out about my life" mode and even fell into a bit of a short term depression. Yah, I get moody I guess. So within all of that I completely isolated myself. It's just what I do. It's sort of my fight or flight response, only it's isolation from everyone and everything. To be honest, it's not fun and not what I'd like to think I'm capable of, but it's kinda all I know when I feel a certain way.

My best bud in LA, Katie, has only been the most supportive and comforting person for me through all of this industry bullshit/drama and even the personal chaos that is my life, and I completely shut her out. I mean, there was just nothing she could do for me (at least that is how I felt). There was nothing anyone could do for me cause I was in a mood and I was the only one who could get me through it or to snap out of it.

Make sense?

She tries so hard w/ all of us kids down here in LA and even w/ her own family, and believe me it does not go unnoticed. She's such a caring and compassionate soul and is always trying to find a solution. She truly is a REAL friend. She's GREAT! She's Momma Katie! But I was the asshole who shut her out.

I just had to write and say that in the midst of my crazy headtrip/short term depression/isolation that I put myself through recently, well, I ended up hurting someone close to me, and for that I am truly sorry.

Love ya Momma Katie!
(I publicly give you permission to kick me in the groin w/ steel toes or hit me w/ your car while im riding my cruiser next time I try to isolate)

LATE, but not breaking news

Alright, I did some research last week. I was so determined to find gym boy since he completely fell of the face of the EARTH. I know, kinda sounds a bit nuts, but I just had this feeling about him. Well, turns out a friend of mine has a friend who knows him. (Yah, Playa Del Rey is a small circle of people, go figure.) So she actually was the one who did some research and we found out that he is in a relationship...bummer! Yah, I'll be honest, I was bummed when I found out. Really, I was bummed!

On to the next one, right?

Here one day, gone the next...

As soon as it has begun, it has also ended, or so it seems.

My first love, the one and only man I thought I'd be w/ til the end of time, decided to contact me last week. Yep, after not being together for over 2 1/2yrs, and after not having any communication w/ each other since last March, he has decided to get in touch w/ me. He's decided he wants to be a part of each other's lives again. Wow, that's great he can decide he wants that. Hmmm, now what about me? What about what I want right now? Does he not get it that I got over him? Does he not understand that the hardest thing I've had to do in the last 27yrs was get over him?

A year and a half of depression and an extra year on top of that of therapy to work hard and long to get past him and to realize my potential w/out this person. To realize the potential I have as an individual, as my OWN individual. So now I am over him and I am moving forward and going on w/ my life...and now this? WTF? How am I suppose to react to this?

I'll be honest...I was flattered and totally happy that he contacted me. It was what I had been wanting to hear for so long, that he wanted me back, that he wanted to communicate again. Cut to 5mins later, and I'm kinda mad and pissed and I can't believe he just decides he wants to show back up in my life. He thinks he can just prance right in and I will accept him w/ open arms??? He's got a thing or two to learn...And I know I sound angry right now and a bit pissed, but that's because this has really f*$@# w/ my head and my emotions right now, cause like I said before...I got over him! And now, deciding whether to let him back in or to continue to keep him on the outs is not EASY.

This is ME!

He Does Exist

I thought I would never see "Gym Boy" again.

I haven't seen him since June, and hell, I had no idea if he was even still alive, or living in the area still, or what have you.

He just up and disappeared!

Thank God I prayed for a sign, cause Saturday afternoon, as I was riding my bike down at the beach, I rode right past him(literally). Yah, I couldn't believe it either, and I was instantly overcome with perma-grin and still am!

2 Steps Forward...

Why is it that anytime I seem to actually start to move ahead in life, and things seem to be all "Happy Go Lucky" that something of the negative kind happens and sends me back about a mile(or so it feels).

I just don't get it.

I use to think I was cursed, and that if anything bad were to happen to anyone, well, it would happen to me. My therapist has taught me to think otherwise, so I don't feel that way anymore, but... it just doesn't surprise me that I can't seem to get ahead in life right now. WTF??????

So I'm all emo and crying right now(I knew it would happen eventually) cause my show I was working on just got cancelled today. No notice or anything, just CANCELLED and production will shut down on Friday. And people wonder why I have such a LOVE/HATE relationship w/ this industry. Man I feel like kicking someones ASS right now!

"2 steps forward,10 steps back...this is the story of my life"

SWEET TITS!

Yes, this is right. I woke up w/ "sweet tits" this morning. Man, as weird as it is I love saying that!

So last night was Halloween, and in the madness of the night I managed to take a normal sized CRUNCH bar(non of that mini Halloween candy crap) from a fellow Halloweener while standing in line at a Pizza joint. I took a bite of the candy and proceeded to hide the rest in my bra under my dress. Yes, this guy was kinda mad cause he knew I took the candy, and the stubborn girl I am I kept denying it. If it wasn't in my hands, well, that meant I didn't have it, right?

Cut to 6hrs later, hung over, dehydrated, and not feeling to hot, well...my candy bar was hot. It was hot, sticky, and melted to my chest. Yep, that's right, I went to bed w/ my dress on, my bra on, and the candy bar in my bra. I woke up w/ a warm and sweet chocolate sauce on the BOOBIES.

Literally, I had SWEET TITS!

Deal with it?

You know when you meet someone or have an attraction to someone(whether you know them well or not), and it seems like anything and everything about them is cute, funny, fun, clever, smart, perfect, and the list goes on...They seem like someone that is perfect for you in every way, even if you don't really know it or not at the time.  Why is it that there is always a hidden deal breaker.  And it's not like it's something that is always on your mind and you're watching for it.  It's something that randomly shows itself.  

You run into your crush at a bar only to see him wasted, sloppily dancing and ever so sloppily making out w/ whatever is in front of him.  Oy!  I get it, he's single and he's gonna go out and do his thing(whatever/whoever that may be), blah blah blah, but if that's a preview of the future, well, I'd rather jump ship!

Or maybe he's just a BIG partier.  You know, the super late 5am-6am partier w/ the crazy eyes, and a mouth like CHATTY CATHY followed up w/ no GOOD intentions.  Hell who knows, he may not have any intentions at all.

So when this person could be the most physically attractive man w/ an AMAZING personality, and you two have so much in common, well...why is it that a deal breaker always seems to show itself????  Why is it that after seeing a side to someone you don't want to see, well, it totally turns you off.  Every angle, every switch, every everything and anything just gets completely shut off.  Is there anyway to just brush it off and DEAL with it?

Can one DEAL with a DEAL BREAKER?

Payback's a BITCH

I just have to say that I get this devious, devilish feeling all over when I see something unfortunate happen to someone who has wronged me.  I know I know, you're thinking "Damn Laura, what a horrible thing to say,"  or "God Laura, you're a BITCH." But when someone hurts me so bad and makes me feel so awful and so emotionally down about myself, well, to see something not work out for them, it kinda makes me smile.  It makes me say "Payback's a BITCH!"  

Damn I feel good today!

To Have and To Hold

It's been a week now since I traveled to Spokane for Brianna and Curt's wedding.  And it's been a week now since my brain has taken a trip back in time.  I'm usually living in La La Land, the day dreamer that I am, but for the past week I've been living in a "Nostalgic" moment.  I feel like I've been living in a part of the past, but that is taking place in present day, and time is standing still.  I'm living in this imaginary, nostalgic, fairytale land, and time is standing still while I'm stuck in it.  If someone were to approach me at work, or grocery shopping, or while I was driving in my car they could pull a Natalie Portman from Garden State and say "You're In It."  Cause right now, everyday, I've been "In It."  I've been lost in people from the past.  But here's the catch...not all of the past was that great, and not all of the memories are good ones.  Again, here's the catch...Brett and I have gotten to a place.  We've gotten to a place that feels all too familiar.  It feels like we are friends, really good friends, again.  It feels great!  There was so much hate and resentment (so I felt) towards me when I left him.  I feel like it's taken a long time for him to get past that and to realize why I did what I did.  I don't know, all I can say is that I wish the person I see in him now could be the person I was with back then.

Hmmm, so I really wish I could see my therapist right now cause I just have all of these crazy thoughts and emotions going on right now.  I'm just on emotional overload!  I just need some clarification and direction.  My thoughts are all over the place, and what's worse is that I can't stop thinking about Brett.  I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  I feel like we are back together and we've picked up right where we left off.  He knows me and he gets me, and after a LONG day of work he's like the one person I want to call and shoot the shit with.  I know, that's weird, right??   I  mean, it's crazy, right?  I'm crazy for thinking like this.  I don't know, I've just slipped into this place where I feel like I want him around.  Wow, I think I've gotta stop now cause I'm just confusing myself.

I will end on this though...After almost 4yrs of not being together, I have never been more happy to be around him and spend time w/ him.  We both, as individuals, have come along way...it's exciting and it feels GOOD!

The year in review...

So last night was sort of an INTENSE and EMOTIONAL night.  You see, I had an appt w/ my therapist, only it was the last appt w/ her for who knows how long.  As of today, Oct. 1st, my mental health benefits have changed providers and she doesn't work w/ the new providers, so...to make a long story even longer(ha ha!), I can no longer afford to see her regularly, and I just don't know when I will get to see her again.  It's been a little over a year since I started seeing her too, so she really knows me and we've worked so hard and so well together on a lot of issues in my life.  Oh, not to mention that I was so deeply depressed a year ago when I moved to L.A.  I had my plate full, but full of the wrong things and the wrong people.  I've definitely come a long way in the last year.  I see it, and it makes me HAPPY, it really does!  I mean, I'm in such a better place these days, mentally and emotionally.  I may not have millions of friends out here, but I have a hand full of GREAT and GENUINE friends out here.  They have definitely contributed to my uprising in the last year, and I love them all.  I have a lot to learn and a lot to work on still w/ many relationships and areas of my life, but I'm ready for it.  Now more than ever I am ready for it.  And because of working w/ my therapist I am prepared and ready to conquer so much and move forward w/ so much in life.  I feel that good things are a brewing.  Good things are gonna happen and are going to come my way.  I have no idea what they are or when they will come, but I'm excited!  I feel the wheels turning!!!!  If only they would just start slinging the good things in my direction...ha ha!!  

So although I wanted to start crying my eyes out last night when I said goodbye and walked out of my therapist's office, I didn't.  I felt sad, and I am, but in a way I also felt very happy and very accomplished of the work she and I have done together.  I will be haunted by her voice and visuals of her face when the "RED FLAGS" start to go off.  HA!  I'm laughing out loud right now just thinking about it, but she will be in the back of my brain, helping me through all of my trials and tribulations in the future.  And hopefully some day soon I will get to sit on her couch again.

"In A Relationship"

You know, it's stupid and silly that I even mention this or go here, but...Why is it that when we see an old flame's myspace or even an ex-douche's myspace profile go from "single" to "in a relationship" that it just makes the nerves go INSANE????  

Why?  Why do I even care anymore?(And why am I even searching around for this shit on myspace???  Not important right now, but really, why?)I know it's because I've been in this exact same spot more than once, or should I say twice.  Well, it's basically the same scenario I experience w/ most men that have been in my life.  They all seem to cheat, lie, and leave me for someone else.  Yep, that's right.  Apparently they all see something better in another.  I am never the one that is picked over another, I'm always the one left, at least that is how I feel.  

So why is it that after completely cutting off the Glendale Douche, even though we were just dating, it's so rough to see that now his myspace says "in a relationship."  I mean, I don't want anything from this person, and even when we were hanging out he didn't give me anything in return, so...why is it that I am so hurt right now?  Hurt, knowing that once I said "F*$& Off" he'd go and make "the other girl" his new girl...his new relationship.  

F*$&, that girl has my name!!!!  I want to HURL!

What a DOUCHE!!!!!!!!

  

So yah, why is it that even when we don't want someone and we know they aren't good for us, it still hurts to see them w/ someone else and to know they are MOVING ON w/ someone who is not us??

CHAPTER ONE: The Glendale Douche

So this was chapter one of my dating in L.A., and not a very good chapter to start off the book, but there were some important things learned, so...

So after I sent the "final voicemail" to his phone this morning that went something like this: "hey freakshow, don't ever call or text me again!  It's too bad your dad didn't teach you a thing or 2 about how to treat women the right way!"  click!  He still proceeded to call numerous times and leave messages on my voicemail of how there was another girl...Laura (oh, how convenient, we have the same name), and how he meant to tell me about her, and her about I, etc...He went on to say he'd never been in this situation before and he was SO SORRY.  Sorry??  Really, you are sorry??  I find that hard to believe...You're only sorry that you got called out on your sneaky ways, and that you got caught!  On the 2nd voicemail from him he continued to ramble on about how he really cared about me, and he really liked me and spending time w/ me and he thought of me as a really good friend, and didn't know if we'd grow to be more...Wait wait wait, hold up!!!  So let me get this straight, I was just a "good friend?"  Hmm, apparently this guy sleeps w/ his good friends, huh.  Really???  I mean really???  What a WEASEL!  He said he didn't realize he was the only person I was seeing.  What does that mean or have to do w/ it?  So apparently cause I'm a single girl in L.A. that means I'm seeing multiple people?  What, he couldn't just ask me?  If he even cared about me he would've take the time to ask and to get to know me and know that he was the first person I had dated in 2yrs.  The first person I had dated since moving to L.A. a year ago...yah, a year!  I've been emotionally unavailable for the past 2yrs and when I thought I was finally ready to move forward and onto something new, well...along comes Abel.  Sure it was fun and new in the beginning, and I was excited as hell, but apparently he's like all of the other guys I've had run ins w/ in the past...How did i not see this coming??  So now he says he wishes I'd talk to him again, that he considered me a good friend...Oh, did I mention I'm gagging right now...YUCK!  He says HE REALLY IS SORRY and he's never been in this position before of dating 2 girls at the same time (yah right), and that he really did F&$* UP and he's sorry.  Yah, still don't believe ya dude.  He then proceeds to text me, again, asking if he was the only guy I was seeing.  Dude, give it a rest!!!  It's like he's in shock or denial that he was the only guy I had been seeing cause we only hung out like once a week, but what does that have to do w/ it?  I'm a very independent person, and yes, it would've been nice to see him more, but the timing was off, and I didn't feel the need to succomb to hanging out w/ him all the time, and so I didn't!  Plus, he works production hours and was never around, and so unbelievably emotionally unavailable, and that was the hardest thing to deal with.  No emotion, no depth...everything was on the surface w/ this dude, oy!  I knew this day was bound to come, and most of my girlfriends new this was coming as well too, I just thought it might go a bit different than this.  This Glendale Douche has just missed out on someone AMAZING!  This guy has just missed the best thing ever, and probably the best thing that could be in his life right now.  He's pushing 40yrs old (he's about to turn 38), and he is so oblivious...HA!  I can laugh at it all now cause I'm the one that caught him and I'm the one that got out (hmmm, sounds all too familiar to me), and because I have 10.5yrs youth on the guy.  I'm smart enough not to stick around for his bullshit, and I am waiting for someone better, cause I know the better is out there.  I just can't wait to come face-2-face w/ it...with him!

And Abel is still texting me and wondering why I'm not answering him about whether or not he was the only guy I was seeing.  He's saying I was hitting on everyone at the wrap party and so he figured I was dating other dudes.  What a loser!  The wrap party was so last year, in fact, that was the night he and I met, so...How can he make a conclusion from that?  We were all so wasted!!  What a dork!  He's just trying to make and find any reason to make himself look better and feel better about himself in this situation...HA!  Good luck dude!  Sure, go make your self absorbed, narcissistic self feel better dude, I mean, that is what you Scorpios do best, right?  Hope you feel better.  No, actually, I hope he feels like shit!  He's a dude though, so even if he does feel bad, it won't last long.  I'm sure all he really has to do is just go sit in front of a mirror for a few minutes and just stare at himself to feel better...HA!  I can't believe I just said that, but I feel it's so true....and good for him for being able to be so into himself and not care about anyone else's feelings.  What a waste of space he is!  What a waste of space he is in my mind!

Okay, so I ranted and raved a bit too much about this person and about the situation at hand, but like I said, this is Chapter One.  I just thought I was beyond falling for these types of guys too.  So even though the Glendale Douche and I didn't hang for more than a few months, well, I still did invest emotion and time into this person, and that is what hurts the most.

Please oh please can Chapter Two be a bit more of a Love Story Chapter?  Can it be more like boy and girl meet, boy likes girl, girl likes boy, boy and girl hang out for a long time, boy cares about girl, girl cares about boy, and so on, and so on.  Can it be something like that??  More romance, less drama...that is what I'm talking about!

THE BEGINNING

Okay, so I have been in the city of L.A. for a year now.  Yes, a year!  I thought I'd never make it a year out here, but a day or 2 ago was the exact day, last year, that I moved out here, so...I did it!  I made it a year.  Quick note: for the past 3yrs I've had a hard time staying in one place for even a year.  Whether it be a city, an apt or house, or state, you name it I was never there longer than 6-10mths, so...this is a big deal for me.  All of that aside, I've been here a year now and I've only had one real dating experience that all just happened as of recently.  I moved here and was not in a good place w/ men, and I was still mourning the loss of my first love, the love of my life.  It took me 2 yrs to get past it, and in the Spring of '08 I finally felt ready to move forward, so...here I am trying to get out there and meet people and date and just see who is out there, etc...I've never been good at things like this, but I've also never felt so comfortable in my own skin these days, so...how hard could it be.  It's like, this is ME...you either like it or you leave it.  Pick one!  If only it were that easy, right?? :)  Well, I'm about to share some of my thoughts and journeys on my experiences w/ dating, dating in L.A. none the less, and w/ my opinions of men, so...please feel free to reply and add details and info...