Bar Lubitsch

Was hit on by 3 different guys tonight, and all 3 of them just completely BORED me. What's the deal? I had great conversation w/ guy #1, but in the end the chemistry wasn't there and he just seemed to linger. Kind of awkward if you ask me. I was begging my friend to come and pull me away. Guy #2 tried. Yep, that's about it. He tried and I just wasn't having it. I think I just had my mind made up that I wasn't out and about tonight looking for dudes, and so my mind set just wasn't there. I didn't give 2 shits about chatting it up w/ some strange dude, ya know. Now there's guy #3, over confident, BIG ego, loves to talk talk talk about how great he is and all of his accomplishments. Can you guess how this one ended? Yah, again, not interested. Strike 3!

Now here's the thing...all 3 men were absolutely attractive and I even made one girl mad because I was talking to one of the dudes, but really when all is said and done, the chemistry was not there. I was NOT interested and I think it has something to do w/ the fact I don't want anything else tying me to Los Angeles. I'm 1 step away from packing up my apt and my car and driving up the coast til I hit Seattle. I hate to say it, but I'm over most of it down here in L.A. I am here for work, yet my work is the MOST unstable thing in my life. I work so HARD just to have what I have and to live where I live, yet my work is so completely UNSTABLE. It's almost not worth it to put myself through so much stress and emotion just to have the roof I have over my head, or to have the fancy street full of cute shops and restaurants that I live on, or the ocean that is so close. I have to work so hard and such long hours to have these things, that at times it seems rare that I even get to enjoy these things. Make sense?

Work sucks, I want out, and I'm pretty much over trying to meet someone in Los Angeles. Too many EGO's, too much pride, not enough HEART. So I think I've tuned myself out to the men that throw themselves my way. Love life is temporarily on hold. It desperately wants to relocate.

Can I get what I want???

It's funny but I just had a thought the other day that it seems like whenever I'm close to getting what I want or accomplishing something super BIG and GREAT in my life that I get scared, I freak out (mentally), and I kinda flee the scene. I am somehow afraid of succeeding, yet it's all I crave. I bust my a** and I work so hard on a day to day basis, a month to month basis, and a year to year basis, yet I still stay in the same spot. The same position. The same everything. Nothing is moving forward for me and when I make that extra effort to move things forward I get so scared and freaked out to actually move. To actually climb that ladder. Am I settling for my comfort zone? Am I taking the easy way out? I sure hope not. As far as career is concerned, I sure hope this is not my comfort zone and that I do NOT stay where I am now for the long haul. I desire so much more for myself and of myself. So now tell me why it is that when I get inches close to these desires that it freaks me out. Why am I afraid to have what I want?

This brings me to another thought as far as relationships are concerned. I've been ready to meet a cool, kick a** dude down here in L.A. for awhile now, yet nothing. I'm ready for a relationship and I desire someone around to share all sorts of life experiences with, etc...yet lately, at the same time, I'm sorta freaked out to have someone else in my life. I've been thinking about how I want to move back to Seattle so badly that it freaks me out to actually meet someone down here now. I'm afraid that if I meet someone cool down here who will actually want to hang out, that I then will have to put off any plans or intentions of moving back to the NW. I know this isn't necessarily true, but these are the head games I play w/ myself. It's a trip. Hell, I'm a trip and I somehow can't change my way of thinking. I want a relationship, yet I'm terrified of a relationship. What gives?

Seattle: Part 1

Seattle is a city that holds many memories for me. I don't even know where to begin, other than I spent a lot of time in that city and the surrounding area at the peak of my adolescents. I also spent a lot of time in Seattle w/ my 1st BF, Brett. Again, the peak of my adolescents. The NW is truly where my heart belongs.

Seattle has been haunting me for the past few months. Every one of my friends back in the Pacific NW wants me to move back home for 1 reason or another, and they aren't shy about voicing it either. Lately the new people I seem to meet here in L.A. seem to have some tie to Seattle. They are either from there or moving L.A. to go there. Just the other day at work I was scanning through some clip art DVDs I have at work for Hi-Res photos. All of the cityscape photos were of Seattle. I just thought that was odd, and haunting. It's the winter time and I just wanna get back to my roots and ride. All of my guy friends want me back on the mtn to ride with, and to be honest, I just wanna get back on that mtn and ride with them. So what do I do???

I have this magic #5 in my brain lately. Like, I'll probably hang in L.A. for another 5 years and then head back to the NW. But when I really think about it, in 5 years I'll be 33 or 34 yrs. old, and if I'm moving at that age, well, that only means that I'm most likely gonna be single, still w/out family of my own, and who knows if my career will be stable at that point (considering a move and all). It makes me nervous just thinking about making a BIG move like that at such an important age (we can get into the age thing at another time). So again, what do I do? What if I can't wait 5 years? And honestly, what am I so afraid of here in L.A.? Something's going on...

I'm totally impatient right now which is pretty rare cause I'm usually pretty decent when it comes to being patient, but the city of Seattle is haunting me right now, and everyday I have thoughts about it. I have thoughts about moving. This is awful! If I'm having such strong reoccurring thoughts on a daily basis like this it's only gonna ruin me for the rest of the time that I'm in L.A. (and who knows how long that will be). I think these thoughts are gonna have to stop. I have no choice, right? I wanna have the BEST experiences I can have and the GREATEST experiences that my life has to offer me, no matter where I am at. And there is no rule book to LIFE, so I guess anything goes. So if there comes a time to leave L.A. and head back to Seattle, then so be it. It just sucks right now, cause I want to force that move so BAD right now.

Patience is the word.

To All The Men Who Don't Wear Their Wedding Ring:

Listen up guys. If you said the vows, wear the ring.

To all the men who don't wear their wedding ring when out in public...put it on your finger! Too many times do you give off the wrong impression, and you give single women hope.

I hit on a married guy! Something I would never do in a million years. I'd been crushing on "Tri-Guy" from the gym for so long and finally, just finally, I had mustered up the guts to ask him to hang out outside of the gym. He said yes and suggested we exchange #'s. You can only imagine how EXCITED I was. Here comes the kicker: he is married. Now you can only imagine how NOT excited I am. We never hung out. He felt guilty and suggested that we only hang when we see each other at the gym. Okay, that's fine, no biggie, right? But WTF? Why wouldn't he just say from the get go he had a wife? I felt like the BIGGEST jackass, even though I know it had nothing to do w/ me and non of this was my fault. Word to the wise, guys...wear your ring & don't disrespect your wife.

So Annoyed.

I'm so annoyed! I'm not perfect, I'll throw that disclaimer out there right now, because I'm about the BITCH a lil bit about some peeps in my life. I'm annoyed w/ those peeps who talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, but never deliver. They are oh so PREDICTABLE. Sure, there might not be anything wrong w/ being predictable, I mean, for one you already know what you're gonna get w/ that person, but here's the thing... when it's not benefiting you or the other person, well, what's the point? Right? Why make an effort when the person you are dealing w/ has their "blinders" on all of the time and just doesn't give a shit? Again, what's the point? I don't have a lot of close friends out here in L.A., cause well, it's L.A., but some of the ones I do have I am tempted to leave behind. I've been realizing a few things about myself lately, like what I really need in my life, and part of me doesn't think I need these peeps in my life. It might be time to say adios. I'm not one to burn bridges, that's not my thing, but I'm just thinking I need to distance myself. I need some new friends. I need peeps w/ common interests, who have drive, motivation, and ambition. Peeps who care for one another and want to push me to be a better person, etc... I don't need peeps who can't make up their minds, need me to make decisions for them, and are just about indecisive about everything that presents itself to them. I'm not a mom yet, and I don't need to play one to my friends.

Okay, I vented. I released. I let it all out! I sorta feel better, but all in all I think it's time for a few changes in my life.

HIATUS

Okay, so I've been on HIATUS...

All I can say for now is that I moved to a new apartment in Venice 2wks ago (Thank the Lord!). No more crazy, psycho, drunk bitches to deal with. No more 4 a.m. wake up calls by sloppy drunk boys who are strangers in my house, but that my roommates decided to invite over, on weeknights might I add. No more feeling sorry for two girls who have no jobs, who don't look for jobs, who aren't driven, motivated, or wanting to move forward with their lives. No more stressful nights of broken up sleep, or sleeping with ear plugs. I don't have to deal with parking tickets in my own driveway, or a kitchen full of dirty dishes that have been sitting around for 7 days. No more filth and trash. No more stress!!!

Basically I feel like I am on "Cloud 9" by not living in that apartment any longer. Such a weight is lifted! Now I just need to work on de-stressing a few other areas of my life and I think I'll be good to go. I'm in a much better place already...I feel good!

To Live, Date, & Wanna Kill Your Date in L.A.

I hate DB so much!
I have never been so damn passionate about hating someone so much.
I mean, I'm not even one to hate. I was raised as a child no to hate. I was told that you don't hate people, you just dislike what they do. Well, I do still agree and live by that, sorta, but right now, as an adult, I hate DB so much!!! This anger just comes from who knows where & I don't know how to release it or make it go away. I know that I'd like to release it on his face as I'm knocking his lights out, but I'm just not that person. I'm the better person. I'm the one w/ the balls, unlike the male in this situation
.
He has mental problems man, and that's no lie. He treats women like objects, has no respect for anyone but himself, only cares about anything that will benefit him, he's blatantly suggestive w/ complete strangers, preys on the vulnerable and innocent, and then ignores them, calls them the wrong name, and proceeds to play it off as if it's a part of his boyish charm. He's self absorbed and needy, and is the BIGGEST attention whore I've met to date. He's got one too many screws loose. I know this shouldn't concern me, considering that I'm over it and don't talk to him, but I do occasionally run into him...like tonight. So because of the constant running into him, and the now ignoring him cause he's a complete WACKO, well, I am still emotional, but I am keeping my self cool, calm, and collected. Again, (fingers pointing to me) I am the better man.

I tried to ignore him all night & I did a damn good job, that is until he realized he wasn't getting my attention (being the attention whore that he is), and so he approached me and then proceeded to wear me & my friend out w/ his non-stop jabbering about god only knows what. I was totally yawning. Sorry DB, no attention from me...sucka! I was just waiting to see when he was gonna wear himself out. Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock...
And now that I'm home for the evening he's sending me Fbook messages saying that I looked hot tonight, even if I did want to kill him. Yep, that's right, I did look damn good tonight. At least he noticed that.

I'm so over it, yet still angry about it. Can't he just disappear please?
Go away & leave us alone to do our thing w/out you, mkay!

BOOBIES, Part Tres

Okay, so I saw a surgeon for the abscess/mass in my right breast. I was determined to get some answers, good or bad. My lump had been growing so much that my skin started changing colors from the pressure of the infection growing in my breast. I know, GROSS! To be honest I was so freaked out that I started to think I might have IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer). I know that's a bit far off, but hell, my breast was changing colors for goodness sake, what was I suppose to think!!! Not normal, not normal at all.
So I see this surgeon, and BAM, she wants to open me up right then and there and drain it all. What? Really? Right here and now? Okay, get this thing out of me please!!! Needless to say I have a hole in my breast, literally, a hole. It's gross, but it was so worth it. I was so overwhelmed w/ all of the info the doctor was giving me and the fact that I was being cut open that I couldn't even pay attention to what she was really telling me. All in all, I'm okay, and I hope the infection doesn't come back. Please don't come back!

Back to my normal life now of work, boys, the beach, music, training, etc...NO MORE LUMPS!!!

Professional "Bullshitter"

I have so much anger inside right now, and I have so much anger inside that is being brought on by DB. I see him and I want to literally beat him up. I want to full on sprint towards him throwing punches, kicking out his legs from underneath him, pinning him to the ground and physically beating him up. I just have so much hate and anger towards the guy. I hate that I feel this way, but it's how I feel. Haven't really been able to discuss it w/ my therapist for the past few months, so I'm trying to figure it all out myself.

I'm angry and hurt cause he rejected me. I'm angry and hurt because after rejecting me he continued to play some sort of head game w/ me as if I were some insecure, vulnerable, naive girl who would come to his beck'n call, anytime...not the case!

I hate games!!!

It makes me mad that he thinks he has some sort of spell on me or control over me. It angers me that when I do randomly run into him at shows or at the beach (so random), or where have you, that he tries to pretend that he and I are friends and that he knows me oh so well. He doesn't know me. I am angry that he has to point out and say that he is a good guy and a good person, when in reality HE IS NOT. He does shitty things to people and doesn't give a shit about anyone else but himself, yet he doesn't want to look like a douche so he verbally tells people he's a "good guy." He's in denial about his actions. On top of that, he feels the need to be the center of attention all the time. If he's not the center of attention or if it's not his story being told then he fears people won't be paying attention to him. He's an "attention whore!" He can't be a cool, chill guy just hanging out w/ friends and socializing like normal people. He's got to be a crazy SPAZ who demands everyones attention. It's all about him and it's always on his time. Whatever dude. Like I've said before, go "F" yourself with sandpaper, and forget about me as well. Thanks.

So now you can see why I am a bit mad and angry and sad and all of the above when it comes to DB. He had such great potential in the beginning, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He turned the tables though and turns out he really is a douche. He should teach classes on how to "schmooze" and "brown nose" in business and personal life. The guy is not REAL, he is a robot. Somehow I think I need some sort of closure from all of this, and the only way I know to get closure from DB is to get the last word. Either send him an "Abel" email, or to physically beat him up and then give him a last word.

I'm so angry!

Watch out for Fire Hydrants

This past Saturday was a BIG day. My running group had another 20 mile run and I knew from the night before that it wasn't gonna be a great run for me. I am training for the LA Marathon and I run long runs on Saturday mornings w/ my running group. Here's the thing, this past week my training was shit because of recovering from Coachella (too much walking around, binge eating/drinking, and not enough exercise, but tons of dancing) and a lil knee pain from last week, so needless to say I knew Saturday's run wasn't going to be the best 20 miles I'd run. Oh, it didn't help either that at about mile 4 I took 3 secs to look down at my waist pack while I tried to grab some shot blocks before one of our water stops, and in that 3 seconds I hit a fire hydrant head on w/ my right thigh.

"That fucker came out of nowhere!"

Needless to say I have a HUGE knot on my right thigh that is various shades of black, blue, purple, and red...not pretty, not pretty at all!!! It's swollen, and it hurts! Also, when I ran into the hydrant I think my face turned various shades of the same black, blue, purple, and red. I'm fine now, but it was so embarrassing and so early into the run...sheesh!

So the count down has begun. Four weeks until the big day, May 25th is the L.A. Marathon!

No time for "Reindeer Games"

Okay, I'm getting a bit fed up. DB just comes out of the woodwork and chats me up like, oh I don't know, nothing has happened. WTF??? You can't just appear and disappear whenever the hell you like, not w/ me. Not cool man, not cool!!! So out of nowhere he's wants to know how I am and what I've been up to, and if it's time to hook up again. Ummm, yah dude, it's totally time to get it on, cause you know, I have nothing better to do than be desperate and to just sit around and wait for when you want something from me. Yep, that's totally it. Who the hell does he think I am??? Apparently it hasn't sunk into his thick skull that I am bigger than life. I am way too independent and strong willed for this Mother F***er. And I am damn straight up sick of these "Reindeer Games" he wants to play. Sorry A**hole, but it's not about you anymore, and NO we are not gonna make out anytime soon. Seriously, what the hell is that all about? Go "F" yourself w/ sandpaper, mkay! And while you're at it, forget about me please. Thank you.

BOOBIES!!! (Part Deux)

Okay, so I've mentioned I had issues w/ one of my breasts. I was freaking out a few months back about this lump in my breast, that supposedly was an infection, not cancer, but just an abscess. Well, it sorta went away, and now it's back. It's back, and it's bigger and a bit more painful. Went to the good doctor again, and he still doesn't know what the "F" it is, so...now I'm headed to see a surgeon about having this lump straight up removed. Now here's where it gets heavy. My lump now has lumps of it's own and my breast is changing colors. Yep, that's right, it's bright red and sorta purple where the lump is. Now I am no doctor, but I have done some reading, and I'm pretty sure this isn't normal. I'm pretty sure something BIG is going on. I've basically diagnosed myself w/ "IBC" (Inflammatory Breast Cancer). I have a few of the symptoms, but what did it for me was the changing colors of the skin, I mean, that's just not normal. I feel like it turns a darker shade of red each morning I wake up too.

I'm in denial that this is happening to me, I really am. Funny thing is, it's on my mind 24/7. Everytime my boss walks out of the room I'm feeling my breast. Or everytime I go to the bathroom I'm lifting up my shirt to see if my breast has changed color again or something. It's just constantly on my mind. Hell, when I do yoga or pilates I get frustrated when we have to lye on our stomachs because it's so uncomfortable lying on a lump and being all lopsided on the floor. I just want it gone!!! I just want it to go away or be cut away or what have you. Go, get, begone!!!

So I am seeing a breast surgeon next week about it all. Wish me luck, right.

Hella COACHELLA '09

Well, the title says it all...Coachella '09 was awesome!
The Mother Ship came, it saw, it conquered, and it packed it's bags and went back to L.A.

A lil run down of who we saw.

Friday started w/ We Are Scientists, The Airborne Toxic Event, Los Campesinos, The Hold Steady, The Ting Tings, Crystal Castles, The BUG Featuring Warrior Queen (surprisingly really really good!), Ghostland Observatory (off the hook!), Beirut, Morrissey, and Paul McCartney.
Saturday started w/ Blitzen Trapper, Amanda Palmer, Henry Rollins, Zane Lowe, The Bloody Beetroot DJ Set (AWESOME!!!), TV On The Radio, DJ AM & Travis Barker (again, surprisingly really really good!), M.I.A., Jenny Lewis, The Killers, and Atmosphere to close out the night. Slug is a lyrical genius. Absolutely love him and have been waiting a long time to see him get down. Wasn't too impressed w/ the set list, but I'm not gonna complain too much.

I have to say I was really into most of the DJ sets in the Sahara tent. That tent was totally rockin!!! It was dance party central and it was so GOOD!!! I ate so much shit while we were camping and hanging out there all weekend, so it felt good to dance and burn a few calories of the nasty goodness I was ingesting :) I will say, I love a Spicy Pie!!! There was some damn good and fresh pizza comin' outta the ovens at Coachella this year. I didn't even feel guilty eating it that's how good and fresh it was.

A bit bummed I couldn't stay for Sunday's line up...Mexican Institute of Sound, Friendly Fires, Okkervil River, Lykke Li, The Gaslight Anthem, Peter Bjorn & John, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Perry Farrell, and of course The Cure just to name a few.

Man oh man there were so many other great acts that I didn't even get to see. Too many schedule conflicts!!!
Next year I say, next year. There will be all 3 days of concert going, and there will be a grand old Mother Ship, and an extra day off from work. I'm so exhausted, but it was all so worth it!!!

The Soundtrack Of Our Lives...

So I'm hanging out listening to James Yuill...super good stuff! And there's just something about the song "No Surprise" Earth Version. I don't know what it is but it just hit me. This song is great, and it's sorta making me sad. I wasn't feeling sad when I started listening to it, but it just struck a chord or something in me. And this is why I'm a music FREAK!

You know when you hear a song and it just moves you? I mean it really touches you deep. Whether it be a booty shaking beat that gets you out on the dance floor, that slow sad sappy ballad that makes you reminisce about the past, or a raging rocking tune that just makes you feel invincible or like kicking some ass...that's how incredible music is. I feel like lately I've just been discovering more artists and singles out and about that just cover all the bases for me. I'm a basket case when I hear a tune that gets my heart a racing. I feel like so much music that I listen to is essentially the soundtrack to my life. Of course it would take hours and days and months to try and put a soundtrack to my life, but man oh man, could you imagine the tracks on it?

Have a listen if you will http://www.myspace.com/jamesyuill

The Plague

Okay, do I have the plague or something? I just have to ask, because the past few days and even the past few weeks I just feel like I have the plague and no one wants to be around me. I feel like most of my friends(in L.A.) are just completely M.I.A. and don't give a shit about me, and everyone's just off doing their own thing. Cool, great, I get it, you have your own life too, but come on, we are friends. Aren't friends suppose to hang w/ friends and share w/ friends and be a part of their friends' lives??? Yah, that's what I thought. So apparently I have the plague though. Ugh!!!

My best friend was feeling this way a few weeks back and it made me so sad cause I've totally felt this way before and I get it. It made me even more sad though cause she felt like I was sorta M.I.A. at the time and I really didn't mean to be, it's just so damn hard to be around 24/7 when you don't live in the same state. And yes, maybe I am a hypocrite cause I was just bitching about how everyone has their own shit going on, blah blah blah, and just now I wanted to say that I had so much of my own craziness going on that I couldn't be around for my BFF in Idaho. Yah, it goes both ways apparently, and I get it.

I just hate having the feeling of not being wanted or that everyone is essentially steering clear of me and my path for reasons unknown to me. It doesn't make me feel all that great, and at the same time it makes me feel really bitter towards the people in my life that are steering clear of me.

Hmmm, where are REAL friends when you need them?

Can't a cute lil blonde girl catch a break?

My life has just been nuts lately. I mean, I use to think I had a black cloud following me, but then my therapist helped me to think otherwise. So I don't think I have a black cloud hanging around and I try not to think negative thoughts like that any longer. Let me just say this though, right now I really feel like the black cloud is back and it's brought a freakin' army.
It was about 3 weeks ago that my skies had a silver lining and I was on cloud 9 and a lot of good was happening in my life. Ummm, cut to 2 weeks ago, and even worse, right now, and I've got the darkest of the dark of skies all around (or so that is how it feels). Can't a cute lil blonde girl catch a break?

Not only have all areas of my life been unstable and a bit rocky and all over the place lately, well...my emotions and mental health are just a bit tested right now too. I just want to climb the tallest mountain and scream at the top of my lungs one minute, but then the next minute I just want to throw in the towel and cry like a baby.

I know there are trials and tribulations in all of our lives. There may even be times when we feel we are being tested for one reason or another. I'm just trying to keep my head high and truck on through these shaky times and feelings I'm having right now. I know it will all pass, but right now I just really want to smash something and scream, "WHY"!!!!

All In All

We all do it. We jump to conclusions, and we definitely jump to conclusions and assumptions when it comes to the opposite sex. Why? Why do we do this all the time? Why can't we just ask? Why can't we just be open and honest and ask questions?

So a few of my friends and others included are having some major boy drama(s) these days. It makes me crazy altogether just to hear about their shit. I mean, from an outsider's p.o.v. it's just way too simple, ya know. But when you're actually the one in the relationship, well, there is just much more to it (believe me, I get it). I've been victim to it all as well, so...as women we are just so quick to jump to conclusion. We get irrational and we make up crazy stuff in our heads. We make excuses for the male species and it's really fucking ridiculous. Oh the things we do for love. Or is it lust? Whatever it is it can't really be that worth it in the end can it? I mean, the stress, the confusion, the let downs, the crying, the fights, the bullshit...I mean, is it really worth it? We all deserve so much more, right? When is enough enough?

If you like someone, tell them. If you wanna be w/ someone, let them know. If you wanna keep things casual, again, let it be known. All in all, communicate. Share your feelings and be honest. Neither one of the sexes can read minds (thank god).

To Be or Not To Be...Vulnerable

So a few years back, when I was still on the journey to finding out who I am I had been in a relationship or two.
Of those few relationships one thing was common and one thing kept coming up in conversation. Most of the men I dated back then and my old boyfriends all had the complaint that I never told them how I felt. They all couldn't handle it that I couldn't express my feelings for them or my feelings in general. There was that time when I just couldn't completely open up. I was so vulnerable in every direction and it was the hardest thing ever. It was as if the cat got my tongue. I just couldn't spit out one syllable, let alone one word on how I felt for these men in my life. So I sorta blame that on why most all of these boys left our relationship and went in their own direction.

Cut to a few years down the road, and here I am the most comfortable I've ever been in my own skin. I am so stoked on me and who I am and I just want people to see the real me. So why is it now, that I feel this good about me and I am no longer that "Vulnerable Vixon" that the men still leave. I mean, I have no problem telling family, friends, even boys how I feel these days. Hell, I think it's the most important thing these days to tell the people you love how you feel. It's no longer about vulnerability w/ me anymore, it's just about being myself. So why is it that the boys get scared off when I tell them how I feel. You leave me when I can't open up and you leave me when I do open up. Good Lord, give me a break. What do you boys want?!!!!

A write of passage...

Can I just say that I haven't had a journal for the past few weeks. Yep, that's right, I filled up the old book and haven't bought a new one yet. I can't believe I haven't been fiending to write. I mean, I have been, but apparently not as bad as I thought cause I haven't even put a journal on my "to do" list yet...HA! So yah, I really need to get crackin' on this one, cause I have so many built up and caged emotions and thoughts (too many to post on Facebook and Twitter, if you know what I mean).

With that said, I went to a show tonight. My friend manages Lucy Walsh (singer/song writer, oh and Joe Walsh's daughter) and so we went to see her play. A bit rough around the edges but to be honest, I liked her songs. Well, I liked the lyrics and the emotions behind it all. That Lucy and I are definitely on the same page. She writes about her life, she writes about love, she writes about boys, she writes about feelings and emotions. I feel she writes the way I would as well. She sings her songs the way I would write in my journal, or something close to that. Although her set wasn't the greatest, well, her songs made me smile and they made me happy cause I could totally relate. I love that shit!

So now I'm being all sappy and girly and wishing I had a boy to crush on or even a boy to be bent about, ya know. I don't really have anyone right now. No one to be sad and depressed about and no one to be excited and giddy about, so...there's pros and cons to both of those, go figure. But I do feel a bit of a sap right now, and I think I'm gonna go to bed.

Calling All Attention Whores!

I'm as confused as all hell right now! (what's new)
D.B. has made an appearance once again. Why? WTF is going ? He chats me up and tells me his stories of his travels out of town. I mean really...really? Am I suppose to care? Am I suppose to be excited? Why is he seeking out this attention? And why from me of all people, the girl he said audios to. I just don't get it.

So what takes the cake (at least in my eyes) is that he got a hold of me the other day and was all weird (like a boy) and reminiscing of times we hung out and made out and all of that kinda stuff. Why dude? Why are you doing that? He kept saying how he liked hanging out w/ me and how we had some really good times. Well, yah, we did have some good times and yes, I will agree that I too liked hanging out w/ him, but he was the one who called it quits. I asked him why he bailed. He said he thought I liked him too much and that freaked him out and so he backed off. Ummm, can you say bullshit?!!!! I mean, the guy told me 6wks ago he was over it cause he was looking to settle down and find a wife, blah, blah, blah, and that basically I wasn't it, blah, blah, blah...so now all of a sudden he misses me and apparently was never on the long awaited wife hunt he claimed??? So what is the deal, I thought he was on a wife hunt and now he's saying that wasn't it, and that he thought I was on the husband hunt, so...he got weird and backed off. Backing off meaning cutting ties. Yah, weird is putting it mildly.

Here's the thing though, I'm the idiot girl who deep down inside likes this crazy attention whore. Although he is the one coming to me and seeking attention, well, I don't mind it cause in a sense I am the one getting attention by him contacting me. Wow, did that all make sense?? Perfect. So yah, I claim to be all strong and independent and not needing useless attention from people who can't give me SHIT, yet I love it when I get attention from those kinds of people. Well, I love it when I get that attention from him. I need to kick myself in the box right now, cause I sound like such and idiot girl!!! I always warn my girlfriends of douches and guys who pull crap like this, and here I am...total sucker for it!!!

So who knows what will come of this...nothing probably. Nothing most likely, who am I kidding. I just can't stop thinking about him though. I can't stop thinking about and wanting this attention whore who won't leave my life yet.

Here's To Turning 28

I turned 28 on Monday!
Yeah for another year (man I feel old)!!!
I had a great Birthday weekend in Vegas w/ my best friends!
I didn't really care what we did, I just wanted to spend time with them.
It was great! I feel great! I think 28 is gonna be a good year for me.
Hell, I think 2009 is gonna be a good year too, but all in all, I feel really positive about the year, about being 28 yrs. old, and about my future.

And so we meet again...

Okay, so I still don't get what is up w/ D.B.

He doesn't want anything from me, yet he still finds the time to iChat me up. He proceeds to tell me about his snowboarding adventures, as if he needs my approval or something. He comes at me like such an attention whore, yet I don't get why he's doing it. Yes, for attention, but why from me? Why is he wanting attention from me? From a girl he decided he didn't want to date any longer. I've been trying to ignore his lil messages or to just write one word answers and just act nonchalant, as if I don't care. I mean, it just bugs me that he's coming around like this, and for attention of all things. I would appreciate it more if he actually wanted to be w/ me, but...that's not that case now is it.

So the last time I saw D.B. was a lil over a month ago at the Neko Case show at Hotel Cafe. Well, I went to see Bob Mould (guitar player for The Pixies) at Hotel Cafe tonight w/ my friend Allison. Yep, I think you know where this is going. I got jammed up by the bar in a huge group of people, and as I am turning around in the crowd(I was the shortest person there, so I felt like I was being trampled in that crowd too) to see where Allison has gone, well, I turn around right into D.B. Yep, he's there, drink in hand, and a tall blonde in the other. I thought for sure he saw me cause I was right in front of him and I was like a freakin' speed bump at that point cause I was just surrounded by amazons or something. So I found Allison and we B-lined it to another part of the room. I just didn't want to be around him right then and there, especially when he was w/ another girl. And go figure, the last time I was at Hotel Cafe I saw him, and now I'm back again and I see him. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!!!!!!!!

Needless to say I'm the dumb girl who decided to text him a few hours after the show and ask why he didn't come over and say hi. He said he didn't know I was there and that he didn't see me. I didn't respond. I just left it that. I know he saw me, so why is he now playing this stupid game? Sheesh! Furthermore, he's been bugging me for the past few days about where I am moving too. Long story short, he found out I am moving out of my apt, but I never told him where. So now he's just hounding me to find out where. I don't know why he cares. Once I tell him I'm moving to the beach he's just gonna say some asshole comment like, "why"...I just know that is what will come out of his mouth. I don't know why I'm playing this stupid game and not telling him. I just don't feel like giving him the satisfaction of getting his way, of getting what he wants (which is an answer to the question of where I am moving to). I know I'm a dumb girl (again) for playing this stupid game, but whatever...he's dumb for calling it quits, so...Part of me just really wants to say something like, "I'm moving back to Seattle to be w/ my family." I don't know why but I'd love to just tell him something like that and see what he says or does. But then I'd be the dumb and immature girl who is playing tricks...ha ha ha! Then he'd really be done w/ me for sure (oh well though, right? Not like we've got anything going right now).

And for some reason I'm wondering if he's getting it on w/ the blonde chick right now or not. Did she go home w/ him? Or did she take him home? Were they even there on a date? F***!!!!! Why am I even letting these thoughts get to me?

With all of that said...I was just a bit shocked to run into him tonight. It's gonna be like this for a lil while I can tell.

And so we meet again...

MOVING on...

So here I am, sitting, waiting, restless...I'm in the middle of moving out of my apartment right now.
I am leaving my 2 roommates for another apartment on the beach, with 2 new roommates.
I'm just a lil frustrated w/ the people of Los Angeles right now. Since I am trying to rent out just my room in the apartment, well, that means posting ads, meeting people, cleaning the house, and giving up my time to hang around and do all of this shit. And what have I been getting in return? I've been getting flake after flake after flake. What is up with people in L.A.??? Really? I mean, really? If you're not serious about moving into a new place (as specified in the ad), then don't reply or make a time to come check it out. Thanks a bunch for wasting my day and my time, and more importantly my roommates' time, since they've stuck around the apartment too just waiting in hopes of meeting their new potential roomie. Man oh man this aggrevates me! I mean, I hate it when my friends flake on me, but for some reason even when strangers do it it makes me just as MAD!

I just wanna get all of my stuff out and into my new (tiny) place. I want to start decorating and organizing my new place, cause that is where I'm gonna be for a long while. I love the beach! Although it's kind of a down grade cause the apartment is smaller and now I have to share a bathroom, well...it's on the beach! How can one pass that up? It was a trade I was willing to make, apparently. I know it will be good for me :) No more listening to my roommates sexcapades at 10pm or 2am (thank god!), and no more waking up to the smell of marajuana at 7am. No more missed phone calls or texts, or lost phone connections because of the crappy service we get on our block. Hmmm, what else??? I just wanna get things in my life in order, and right now that starts w/ getting someone to rent out my room in the old apartment...

Any takers?

Rejection

Alright, it's short, but here it is...
I took a look at my horoscope today and this was part of it:

"Don't be surprised to experience a little (or a lot) of rejection. What did you expect? You can't (and shouldn't) connect with everyone. When you're done licking your wounds, realize you're a fantastic person. So you got dumped. Big deal! Someone way better is around the corner!"


Hmmmm, it's kinda how I've been feeling these past few weeks, but man oh man do the horoscopes just put it out there in black and white for ya. Where's the love and the sympathy for being dumped and rejected???

I have to admit too that I'm still a but bummed about the whole thing w/ D.B., and the whole situation has gotten my mind working on over time. I can't stop thinking about what I want in my future and how I feel like I'm running out of time as well to meet someone, fall in love, get married, and start a family. Hell, for all I know none of that is gonna happen til my 30's (at the rate I'm going), and well, it's kinda gotten me freaked out and bummed a lil. So I guess I can see why D.B. might be freaking out and jonesing to meet the right one, I mean the guy is 35, so...I'd want to die if I were 35 and still single! Well, I say that now, but who knows, it might not be that bad.

Anyways, I'm just feeling very rejected...

BOOBIES!!!

Okay, well, I'm gonna make this short.
I had a lump in my breast.
Had it checked out and even a biopsy done of the lump (it was so gross!).
The doctor put a needle in my breast! Twice!
He didn't numb it or anything.
Turns out I have an infection in my right breast, and it's the size of a golf ball. No joke.
You could bogie w/ this thing!!!

So anyways, things are okay w/ my "boobies" as of right now.
Lab results aren't back yet.

All I have to say is "WTF?"
I found this lump right after D.B. called it quits, so...it's been quite stressful and confusing.
I mean, the boy was clearly touching my boobs and how the hell did I, nor he, not notice it ever????
It literally just came out of nowhere. And me, well, I'd laugh my ass off if my doctor says it's from emotional stress. Yep, that's right, another date gone and another sickness brought on by emotional stress. It's happened before so I'd laugh my ass off if that's what's happening now...ha!

Mr. Right

Well, I just thought this sounded a bit too perfect for what's been going on in my life lately, and for what's been going on in my thoughts lately too...

Horoscope: Pisces
Feb. 1, 2009

"The challenge ceases to be about finding Mr. or Mrs. Right -- that's just impossible. You, yourself must become a better person through this experience. Once you live according to higher ideals and values, you'll attract a higher quality specimen."

What are the odds?

So today my friend Allison and I had plans to go to some music industry lunch at the Hotel Cafe in Hollywood. Neko Case was performing and it was just gonna be so much fun and we were gonna get lunch and drinks out of the whole deal too. I couldn't wait! I told my new show that I had a doctor's appt this afternoon (totally cool guys, they didn't care) and off I went to meet Allison at 11:45am this afternoon.

Now how funny is this? As soon as we walk inside the venue we hit the line for food(not the funny part yet). I've just picked up 2 mini cupcakes, one vanilla and one chocolate (had to try both...yumm!), and who do I run into...D.B. Yep, go figure, small FUCKING music industry world, right? D.B. has come back to the food line to grab multiple cupcakes (that's my boy!) and I think he's a bit shocked to see me standing there saying hello to him. It got kinda weird cause I really wasn't expecting to see him there and it wasn't even really a thought that he'd be there at all. So I was just trying to go do my thing and not get in his way. I was there w/ Allison and we were on a mission to have a fun time! Even if it was lunch time. Well, he took it as a sign that I was mad at him or that I didn't want to hang around and talk. Well, I didn't want to hang around and talk cause I feel like I'd just be getting sympathy attention from him. Hell, the guy rejected me! The guy told me I wasn't wife material for him. I wasn't allowed a spot in his future. I don't feel like anything I have to say to D.B. now will be taken seriously or remembered or will have any significance to him, ya know. So yah, I was trying to B-line it away from him. Next thing I know he and Allison are talking and getting chummy and I'm feeling like I just can't escape him. What did I do to deserve this? My fight or flight response was kicking in and all of a sudden I wasn't hungry for the huge plate of food I had just served myself. Although I did tell myself that I had to eat the cupcakes, nerves or not, I wanted those cupcakes!!!! So there I am standing at the bar, trying to be nice to D.B. and to not seem awkward, but my legs were shaking, my stomach was queasy, I was getting light headed, and as I stared at the bar all I thought was, "I'm gonna get drunk." So I ordered a Newcastle (this was just the first of a few) and a Diet Coke for Allison and we proceeded to grab a seat. We sat at a table right in front of D.B. and his coworkers, but I kinda just tuned him out, cause I was there w/ my friend and first off, I had no idea he was even going to be there. So I just did my thing. I met an awesome chic, Alethia, also a Music Supervisor. Anyways, we hit it off and had some good conversation. We watched Neko Case sing and laugh and joke. It was a great lil set for being 1pm, even if Neko and friends were sleep deprived. I think the sleep deprivation gave the entire show more character :)

So yah, here I am trying to heal my wounds and bury old feelings from the past that have been brought to life, again, thanks D.B. But for some reason I keep seeing D.B. Well, okay, I've only seen him twice in the last 24hrs, but...He's gonna have to know that I run in the same circle that he does. Running into him today was just a taste of it all. I mean, we are bound to run into each other again. I mean after all we did meet at a music industry party, so he's crazy if he thinks he's never gonna run into me again.

I just want to heal, ya know.

I just want my pants back...

Okay, so a few months back the book club (well, I half-ass joined my friends book club) decided to read a book called "I just want my pants back" by David Rosen. Let me just say, I am hooked! Although I didn't read it when the book club did, their discussion of the book made me want to read it all that much more. So here I am, NOW, reading "I just want my pants back."

Here's a lil bit about the book:
"Jason Strider, the slacker-hero of former ad-man and MTV series creator Rosen's screwball debut novel, is a recent Cornell grad more interested in marijuana, booze and quick lays than his boring job or romantic relationships. The carnal drought he's been experiencing is mercifully ended early in the book with a bout of athletic sex involving his refrigerator and a bar pickup named Jane, who departs after a second hook-up wearing his favorite pair of Dickies. His quest, then, to retrieve the pants occupies the bulk of the book. Along the way, Jason gets assists in the process of personal growth from his ailing next-door neighbor, Patty, and old Cornell buds Eric and Stacey, who ask Jason to perform their wedding ceremony. By the end of the tale, Jason has begun to mature and comes back into contact with his beloved pants in an unexpected yet appropriate fashion. Rosen deftly keeps the exploits of a shallow hero moving along-and more impressively, makes readers care what happens to his caddish narrator."

So needless to say, I currently have experienced my own lil "I just want my pants back" moment, only I title it, "I just want my earring back." Are you laughing yet? I kinda am, but my ventures to get the earrings back were a bit easier than Jason's mission to get his pants back. You see, D.B. and I are over, duh, but I left some earrings at his place. I know, it's stupid and I should've just said adios to the earrings, but really, why should I? I mean, those were my earrings and he's the DB, so...When shit was going down and he was laying it out there last Sunday that we weren't gonna work in the future, well, I threw it out there that I wanted to get my earrings and he was totally cool w/ it. So needless to say I was in Hollywood for a show Wednesday night & I told him I wanted to come by and get my earrings. I even made it easy for him, I told him he could just throw them in an envelope and leave them on the front porch. I just figured that since he was the one who called it off, well, he probably wouldn't want to see me. I mean, I'm still bummed and hurting from being rejected, so kinda the last thing I want is to sit in front of the man who doesn't see me in his future. So of course, when I get to his place he's home, and he's up, and he's chit chatting the crap out of me. Honestly, as soon as he handed me the earrings I was already half way through planning my escape. I just wanted to run out of the front door and not look back. I just wanted to say, "Thanks for stopping by San Diego" and leave. I don't know, I'm just having an issue w/ D.B. and it may seem silly to outsiders, but it's hit my core. I am really feeling rejected and no good. This has brought up way too many dead burned out feelings from the past. I mean, to D.B. I am no good. Ugh, I don't even want to go here right now, so...With all of that said, I got my earrings back and I got a somewhat invite to go snowboarding on Saturday. Uh, ya right! He's gonna flake and not call me and all of that jazz. Again, here he is trying to be the nice guy and look like the good guy, when really, he doesn't give a shit and he's not gonna really try to have a friendship w/ me.

So in my daily travels through the pages of "I just want my pants back", well, I smile and I laugh and I dive deep into the story cause I too had my own lil "I just want my earrings back" moment. I can relate to Jason and how much he just wants his favorite Dickies back...It's gotten to the point where he doesn't give a shit about Jane (the girl who borrowed the pants), but that he just wants his pants!!! Thank God I got my earrings back before days, weeks, and months had passed...

Now go check out "I just want my pants back" by David Rosen.

D.B. turned out to be a real DB (douche bag)...

I'm in denial.
I'm in shock and I'm in disbelief.
I feel like my stomach has been scooped out of my body.
I feel like my heart has skipped a beat and I just feel empty all around.
I almost think I am having an out of body experience right now, cause I'm just in such disbelief.

I've been officially rejected via iChat. Yep, that's right. It was like pulling teeth, so to speak, but I got D.B. to admit that he was over it. And to him, he feels like he was being a gentleman and being all honest and good about the whole thing, but that's not how I see it. First off, it took me, bringing it up for everything to go down, and over iChat of all things. Second, he told me that he was getting older and basically wanting to settle down and he didn't see me in his future (basically that is what he said). I'm basically not the girl he'd want to take home to mom, or something like that. WTF? I'm the best fucking girl you'd want to take home to your parents and to take home to your own place. I'm so caring and understanding, nurturing and loving...I'm wild and I'm sweet. I have it all and he didn't see that. So here I am, in denial, super bummed, and just confused as hell.

I've been through this so many times (the whole rejection thing) that I knew it was coming...I was just hoping that this one time my gut feeling, my instincts, were wrong about D.B. I feel so rejected and unwanted and unloved. I feel so small. I feel like no one wants me. I feel like I'm not good enough :( I just put so much faith into D.B. So many good thoughts and feelings, so many expectations...basically I put all my eggs into one basket, and that basket belonged to D.B. How is he to say that I don't want what he wants. How is he to say that I don't want a family. How is he to say any of that?

I just think he met someone else...bottom line.
So when he thinks he looks good by being honest and telling me the truth, bla bla bla, well...he's really a sack of shit cause he's lying about the real truth. There is someone else.

Guess D.B. turned out the be a real DB (Douche Bag)!!!!

p.s.
He said he still likes me and wants to hang out and go snowboarding, etc...
what? How the hell am I gonna be able to handle that? I like the guy, and here he is saying he wants to hang out and be friends but not have a relationship...uh???? That's not gonna work dude...you're fooling yourself, but thanks for playing...

Trying something new

I'm such a mess right now.

I just got off the phone w/ a "new" therapist, and immediately started bawling my eyes out! What is wrong w/ me? Why is this so traumatic? I hate the thought of starting completely over w/ a new therapist. I hate the fact that I have to rehash so much of my life w/ someone new. It makes me sad because I love what I have w/ my old therapist. I just need to see her so much
right now and I can't. And so this is why I am crying. I really need her right now!

Switching therapists is almost like breaking up w/ a boy and then seeing someone new. You have to start all over again and reintroduce yourself all over again and show them who you really are, all over again. It's such a FUCKING process and I'm kinda tired of it (with the boys), and for some reason it just makes me breakdown and cry. I've worked so well w/ my old therapist and I don't want to leave her. Hell, I don't even want her to know that I've visited someone else, but I just don't know what to do. I feel like I'm cheating on my therapist. Is that even possible? What to do, what to do...

"You've got mental problems man...yah, mental problems man..."

I'm sick

I think I'm going to throw up right now.
My nerves are all wacky right now and I hate this feeling.
I feel as if I'm being broken up with. As if I'm being dumped.
As if the secret is finally out and I'm the last one to know.
D.B. hasn't called or texted or anything all day. I'm so sad right now :(
I just want to cry and throw up and crawl into a hole. I feel so sick to my stomach right now.
What did I do to deserve any of this? Why do I feel this way? Am I just being dramatic or is this really happening?
I wish the bastard would just call me. Pick up the damn phone and call me!!!

This all feels nightmarish to me and I just want it to all go away!
I want to throw up and to feel better. I want him to call me and tell me he's sorry and that he wants to see me sometime this week...that's all I want!!!!

So this is dating?

So I just had to flash back to my most recent relationship, which was 2.5yrs ago...ha!
I just started thinking what it was like when Chris and I first met and started hanging out and getting to know each other.
I just had to remember what it was like, cause I have to be honest, dating and getting to know people right now in my life seems like so much work and is such a challenge. I've never had to spend so much time on this shit called DATING!!!! It's wearing me out!

So I started to remember back to when I first started seeing Chris (and no, I have no want or need to be w/ him or anything like that anymore...we've been over for 2.5yrs and he's been on my shit list for 2.5yrs). But I just remember that he would actually pick up the phone and call me. He wanted to spend time w/ me. He wanted to spend his weekends w/ me. He wanted to hang out w/ my friends. He cooked for me and for my friends. He wanted to share lil parts of his day w/ me. He trusted me and confided in me. At one point, I trusted in him and confided in him too. I just remember it was so easy. Getting to know him and spending those first few weeks/months w/ him was so easy and so amazingly enjoyable! Why does DATING and getting to know someone now have to be so awfully hard and painful? Why are there so many egos involved? Why can't people just be themselves? And more importantly, if you like me and want to spend time w/ me why don't you ask me out on the weekend? Why don't you want to spend more time w/ me? I guess I'm just not use to dating "L.A." guys. I don't know that I ever will be, cause I seem to be having such issues w/ one right now. Bad thing is that he doesn't know I feel this way. How do you tell someone you're dating that you feel a lil neglected and unimportant to them. I mean, do I mean anything? Or is this just something for him to pass the time? My friend Gary made a comment tonight that sometimes when a guy is dating a girl that it doesn't necessarily mean anything at all. It just is what it is. Man oh man did that put a damper on my mood about D.B. Could that be what is going on right now? Could it be that dating D.B. means nothing?

Oy!
I'm a total freakshow, once again.
I've got to go.
I've got to put some things to rest right now or else...

I want more!

I just have to say that I want more!
I want more and I deserve more, and if some dude thinks he can just keep me around to fill in the lonely nights on the calendar that aren't filled w/ bands, and dinners, and friends, and drinks, parties and what have you, well...F*** that!!!

I'm not hanging around to be penciled in!!!
If you can't make plans w/ me, don't call me!

When it rains it pours!

I am crying and I am just all over the place.
I'm flattered, yet I'm sad.
I'm happy, yet I'm crying.
I'm wanted, yet I'm feeling so alone.

Why do I let boys get a hold of me the way they do? Why????

All I can say is, "When it rains, it pours."

That has been such a motto for my love life (or lack there of).
No one will show interest in me for months, even years, and then when one person steps up to the plate, well, the whole flock follows. What gives? Why is this such a pattern in my life? I mean, I should be happy and stoked and just lovin' it, right? I mean, I sorta am, but honestly it brings more headaches and confusion than anything. And most of the time when I meet someone I'd really like to get to know well, I am either the one who is out of town, or it is that person who is from out of town...go figure! And this is the life I live...OY!

It's been years since I've met someone I'd want to spend my time with (cause my time is very very very precious and important), and I'm just starting to get to know someone new right now. It's all fun and games cause it's pretty new, but man oh man am I sick of the games already. I mean, new people are suppose to be fun and exciting. This new-ness is suppose to be some of the best times I'll have w/ this person, right? So why am I frustrated? Why do I feel like a joke? Why do I feel like I'm just girl #3 on the list of girls to take out this week or next week or what have you. I just feel so unimportant to D.B. I know it's all in my head, but a lot of it spawns from the past as well. I'm just a freakshow right now and it's making me sad. I mean, I KICK ASS! I am so Kick Ass and most guys should be praying for a girl like me to come their way. So why is it that I feel so unappreciated right now. WHY??? I don't want to start dating someone I'm only gonna get to see once a week, if that. I did that once already recently and it was a TOTAL disaster (Glendale Douche!)

I've got a boy in Seattle begging for a repeat of New Years Eve. He wishes I could be up there to go ride w/ and hang w/ and make out w/...He appreciates it and sees my Kick Ass-ness, so why doesn't D.B.? What am I doing? And why am I letting myself get so taken back by D.B.? Why am I letting this bother me so much? I know it's cause I like the dude and for once I'd just like to see something work out. Yes, that could mean a million things, but you know what I'm saying.

I think I really nailed it on the head up top though when I said, "I feel so unimportant to D.B."
Yep, that's it...that is how I am feeling...unimportant and unappreciated.

Time for a girls night!!!!
(Drinking***Dancing***Making Out)

A bit lonely...

I had such an awful moment of loneliness tonight. I wanted so bad to call my 2 best girlfriends, but to be honest, I couldn't. I felt like I already knew what their advice or comments would be to me. They would tell me that I'm just reading too far into things and they would then say to relax and chill out and just see what happens. I didn't want to hear that, so I didn't call anyone. In that moment I felt so ALONE. I felt so sad and I felt so completely alone and trapped w/ my thoughts/feelings/emotions. It was such an awful feeling! I wanted nothing more but to be on my therapists couch. Hell, it's been a few hours and I still just want to be on her couch.

Man do I have issues...trust issues.
And w/ those issues come more and more and more issues...issues that are only gonna set me back in life and relationships. Man do I ever feel like a freakshow right now!

Welcome the New Year!

It's 2009 and it's time to take care of business!

I don't have much else to say but that.

I have a great feeling about this year and about my life.
2008 ended so beautifully and 2009 came in even better!!!
Yah, I'm feeling pretty damn good about a lot of things in my life right now, and to be honest, it can only get better. I've been at Rock Bottom(or so I feel), and I know that right now things are only picking up :)

Here's to a great year!

Headed home...

Well, my time here in North Idaho/Eastern Washington has come to an end. I never thought 2wks could last as long as it did. I feel like I've been up in the Northwest for the past month. Thank God it was only 2wks, ha!

With that said, there's a storm rolling in tonight and I just hope I am able to fly out tomorrow. If I have to stay another day, well, let's just say it won't be good.

Don't get me wrong, I had a great time w/ my friends up here and part of me always has the hardest time leaving when it comes to leaving my best friends. Now there's another part of me that is already to high tail it outta here!!! I can't handle my family and this vacation was by far the hardest one to deal with. Hell, it wasn't even really a vacation, it was hard work!!! I was ready to fly back to L.A. after only being around my mom for an hour. I just can't handle my family anymore, or at least I don't know how to handle them. It's not a pretty picture. I would so much rather stay in L.A. or go visit other relatives and be happy and healthy, then to come back to Idaho to be around them and feel miserable and always be in a bad mood. I know it sounds awful, but that's how I feel. I need to be mentally healthy, right? Well, my answer for myself on that one is to not come home for a while.

With that said, I am flying back home(L.A.) tomorrow and I am taking a miserable cold with me. I hate being sick!!!